I know. I know. I don’t usually make New Year Resolutions because I don’t usually keep them. Well you know what? I resolve to keep at least one resolution this year. Only time will tell what it will be but if I can keep at least one, that’ll break my personal record which is currently at Zero.
I have a list that I will share but I have to say something about my most important resolution. There is a story behind it. Earlier in December while I was in Sitka and Howard called to give me the news that we had to be out of our current rental by February 1st. I freaked the hell out. Which isn’t necessarily surprising for any of you, I know. I huffed and puffed and threw around expletives that would give my memaw a coronary. In fact? I told Howard to cash out our savings and to pack up. We were moving to Wasilla. In that moment, I was done. Finished. Absolutely exhausted from trying to hold our lives together in the months following Howard’s job loss.
This shocked Howard. Lately, I’ve been the optimist. (Cha. I know that’s hard for some of you to believe.) Truth is, since losing his job, and having no prospects for the last 6 months, Howard’s usually positive and upbeat demeanor had changed into resignation and defeat. Lately, he’d been the one to want to throw up his hands and just move. But he’s stayed here so that I can finish the CHA program in order to qualify for PA school. It’s been hard on him. I’ve been the one forced to put on a happy face and hope for the best. Needless to say, my sudden departure from my more recent state, threw him for a loop.
“Baby…don’t say that…we have to try and get you through this program.” he offered.
It went back and forth between my whining and his consoling for a few minutes until finally, we had to end the conversation because I had an afternoon of clinicals ahead of me and the conversation was obviously going nowhere.
My preceptor could tell immediately something was distracting me and rather than have me “off my game” in my clinicals, she confronted me. I spilled my guts. She listened intently and then said something that I will never forget. Something that suddenly made me feel better about the entire state of my life.
Relating my story to her own life, she told me how she felt when she was studying to be a nurse practitioner and it seemed like every door was being slammed in her face. “One day, I just prayed to God and said ‘If it’s meant for me to follow this path, open a door, if it’s not…give me a sign.’ and then I let it go….it was out of my hands by then.”
And you know what? I said the exact same prayer that afternoon and an incredible peace came over me. I have all the faith in the world that if it’s mean for me to stay here…I will..if it’s not, I won’t. Will I be sad? Most definitely. Will I feel like I’ve wasted this entire last year? Probably. But will I have faith that God has made the right decision for my life? Absolutely.
Thus my #1 resolution this year:
-I will no longer stress out over sudden changes in my life. Good or bad. I will roll with them and have faith that there is still a plan for me and know that sometimes it’s a power bigger than I am.
And on with the list…
#2. I will read more books. You know? I used to be a real book worm but I kind of got out of the reading mode this year and I miss it.
#3. I will give more. In spite of everything this year, we’ve been given so much by so many of our friends. The generosity of people continues to amaze me and no matter how little we have, I want to remember that there are ALWAYS people less fortunate than me.
#4. I will call my family more. I will stop comparing phone calls to my family to household chores. I am fortunate to have my family and I should tell them all more often.
#5. For my final resolution, I want to revamp this blog and tell more Alaskan stories. More funny Alaska stories. You know? I used to tell some pretty hilarious stories on this here blog and I’ve gotten entirely too serious lately. Plus, I started this whole thing with the intention of sharing my Alaskan experiences with the world. I’m going to try and get back to that. Oh don’t worry, you’ll still read about my personal drama but I promise to try and change the ratio.
I figure 5 resolutions are all I need. Baby steps, ya know? Let the games begin!