I had crying jags throughout the day yesterday. By the time, Howard and I prepared for bed, I was exhausted.
But it didn’t prepare me for the utter emptiness I would feel when it was time to turn in. Lucky wasn’t waiting for me on my pillow like usual. I didn’t have to move him out of my way so I could climb into bed. I didn’t feel him snuggle up against me and settle in for the night. I didn’t feel his head on my arm or hear his contented little snort.
I grabbed my pillow, clutched it to my chest and the tears came in heaves and sobs. Howard wrapped me up in his arms and cocooned me until the tears subsided. I miss him, my god, do I miss him. Only yesterday morning, he had enough strength to sit up and look down at me and then nuzzled my neck and flopped back down into my arms. I spent extra time with him in bed yesterday morning, knowing it would be the last one together.
I keep remembering how very tired he looked. How his eyes pleaded with me to help him. To please fix him.
I know in my head in I did the right thing. I just can’t get my heart wrapped around it yet. I hope he knows I only wanted to end his suffering. I knew that with his age, there was nothing a vet could do. However, if we had one here, I would have taken him. I assure you. Many times over the last 15 years, Howard and I have forgone groceries for the week to make sure he had proper vet care.
I knew there was nothing anyone could do. Kas assured us it was the most loving act of kindness a pet owner can give to their pet. Ending his suffering was the only way I knew how to help him.
I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.