The Empty Ache (Drafted on Monday)

Today I was on the phone with my sister…her children were home as it was already evening in NC with the four hour time difference when she called me early this afternoon.

If her kids are home, our conversations are peppered with her saying:  “hang on…..BRITTNEY or BRADLEY, I’M GIVIN’ YOU FIVE SECONDS TO STOP THAT” and then casually saying: “I’m back” and without any effort of transition, she gets right back into the conversation she’s having.  I’m usually giggling on the other end.

Friday night at steak night, Howard and I were eating with Dusty’s family and his 2 year old nephew.  His nephew calls me his “Auntie Chrissy” or “Anthie Thissy” as he says it.  He was yelling at me to come over and help him with the buttons on the jukebox.  I went over to him, he asked me what all the songs were, I kissed him on his downy head and tried to answer his questions.

He was also wired and soon got into trouble and was chastised, rightfully so, and was made to sit in his chair and think about what he did.

A few minutes later, his punishment was over, and they were getting ready to leave.  He came over to give me a kiss and a hug and then said “I want Howard!”  “Howard!”  He beckoned Howard to turn around.  Howard scooped Colton up in his arms, and gave him a big hug and kiss.

My eyes met Howard’s for a brief moment and we both felt that familiar ache.
I want to chastise.  I want to worry.  I want to be frustrated.  I want those tender moments.  I want feel like I’m going to pull my hair out.  I want to be called “mommy” in addition to “auntie”.

I want to see Howard bond with his child.

I want to be the one on the phone saying “hold on” and then constructively yelling at my kids.  I want “night-night” kisses.  I want to kiss boo-boo’s.  I want tiny hands around my neck hugging me tight.  I want a warm bundle in my arms.  I want to lie in bed with my husband with a baby between us and say “wow….we’re parents”.

I want to look into my child’s eyes and say “We have waited so long for you.”

I want tickle fights and lectures, temper tantrums and laughter.

I want all the good times and the bad times.

I want the euphoria and the bitter frustration that comes with being a parent.

I want to be a mother.  I want Howard to be a father.  I want us to be parents.

One Response

  1. Miranda Says:


    I want all of these things for you too… You both will be great parents! Colton is so lucky to have the two of you in his life. This post brought tears to my eyes - honestly. You will have all of this someday… Things are just beginning to line up for the two of you.

    That’s All!


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