Jun 12

Last night, Howard and I did Family Guy Mad Libs in bed.

Yes I know.  We are dorks of the worst kind.

But we love Mad Libs!  Throw a Family Guy theme into the mix?  We are so there!  The later it got, the sillier the Mad Libs got.  We were laughing so damn hard, I thought we were going to wake the neighbors.

Anyway, I wanted to share you with a sample of the words that we Howard came up with to complete the story.  The italicized words are what he added.  Enjoy!

“Stewie’s Campaign Speech”

“Esteemed ladies and skanks, allow me to announce my candidacy for the position of Supreme hair of the Universe.  I have one year of experience fucking at the Griffin household, where I have slowly managed to enslave all five family roads.  I force the stinky man to turn the TV on for me each day so I can watch my favorite program, The Jolly femur Review.  The one they call Meg stays home and coxxix-sits on Saturday nights while the others go out to swim.  Chris serves as a guinea pig upon whom I test my green devices.  Lois, that putrid woman, cooks my hams, cleans my bone, and changes my rolling diapers.  So you see, in just one short year I have taken control of all Griffin earwigs.  I rule with an iron centipede.  If elected today, I shall do the same to all of you.  I command you to vote for me, you scaly armpits!”

Wasn’t that funny?  Weird how some of the words fit perfectly?  Did you ever do Mad Libs when you were growing up?  I did because I was an English loving nerd and of course the ones I did were never as naughty as these.

Which of course meant they weren’t near as much fun.

Jun 10

Yet Another Reason to See the Pirates Director’s Cut

Angry girl: Your boner does not have super powers.
Dude: Yes, it does!
Angry girl: It won’t even point us in the right direction.
Dude: I never said it could do that.
Angry girl: You’re no Captain Jack Sparrow.

–W 3rd & Lafayette

Overheard by: danger

Overheard in New York

Jun 9

Yesterday, as I was getting my paperwork to a tolerable, less-closing-in-around-me, stack, I realized that if everything went as planned, tomorrow (which is now today) would be my first day off in almost a month.

Ever since we returned from the conference, we’ve been going non-stop for inventory preparations, and all around spring cleaning at work.

I had big plans.  HUGE.  I was going to plant some flowers in our neglected flower beds, finish stacking the cord of wood we bought when there was still snow on the ground, that I promised Howard I would stack if he split.  (read:  that was five months ago)  I was going to finish up on laundry, and then take the clothes we never wear out of our overflowing closets and box them up and donate them to our local charity here in the village.  I was going to mop my kitchen floor, scrub my tub, my toilet, maybe even take down the curtains and wash them!

Then that bed felt so damn good this morning when I woke up at 8:00am out of habit.  I got up, walked the dogs, took the phone off the charger and put it on my nightstand (in case my weekend staff needed to call me), then I crawled back between our cool crisp sheets, the dogs followed suit, and we all slept until around 10:30am.

We kept procrastinating in spite of the gorgeous weather.  We watched our two new movies from Netflix (”Prime” and “Gladiator Days: A documentary on a prison murder”), and the next thing I knew, I was watching reruns of Deadliest Catch and Little People Big World, snuggled on the couch with my down comforter tucked around me.  I dozed and kept waking myself up.  Eventually it was 4:30pm.  Howard told me to go lie down in the bedroom and give in to the nap that I was fighting.  Who was I to argue?

I heard him leave the house around 5:30 to go help close the store and I conked out until 8:30.  I awoke to the smell of pot roast, mashed potatoes, broccoli and cheese, and Howard bringing me a big tall glass of iced tea, and a huge garden salad to whet my appetite.

“Why did you let me sleep so long?!” I whined?

“Because I knew you’ve been really stressed out and haven’t had a day off in a month.”  He then kissed my head and urged me to eat.

The day was shot, I didn’t get anything done that I wanted to get done, but I’ll tell you what:  Days of napping and doing absolutely nothing are luxuries I can rarely afford to pass up.

Howard looked at me tonight and asked:

“You know what’s missing from your head?”

“What” I wondered aloud to him

“Your horns.  I think catching up on a month’s worth of sleep has done you good.”

I chucked a pillow at him and then made him fetch me some milk and cookies.

Jun 6

Tonight, I was going through an old email account that I forgot I had and suddenly remembered.

I even remembered the password I set up for it.

This email account was set up almost ten years ago. I’ve sporadically kept it activated for some strange reason. And every once in a while, I’d go back and clean out old spam, check to see if anyone happened to email me, etc. I don’t think I’d used that account in five years. Funny it was still even active!
I came across an email that was sent to me by a friend that I’d met online. In it was a link to memorial page made by a woman for her daughter, Kimberly.

I remember reading that page years ago and saving it in my “favorites” back when I had AOL. (Lord, was that years ago) I used to go to it a lot. Mainly to draw some inspiration from it.
Because at one point in time, I was a lot like Kimberly.

I used to be a girl who hated herself so much that she was well on her way to self-destruction. A girl who was convinced that her being put on this earth was purely an accident. That there was no way in the world, any God would put her here on purpose. She was deeply flawed and would never be good enough. Mainly to herself. She was a wounded girl. A damaged girl. A girl who had been betrayed by too many people in her life at too young an age to fully appreciate her worth.

Those times are too painful for me to share with anyone other than close friends and family. But they know. They know what I went through.

And how completely careless and stupid I became.

Kimberly’s problems were a bit different from mine, but all too familiar when it comes to basic fundamentals of self-esteem issues and the ways we try to cover up our immense pain.

Not a day goes by now, that I don’t give thanks to God for bringing me through it. For giving me the ability to step outside myself and look in. For healing me. As much as I could be healed.
You know, I make a lot of jokes about being an alcoholic. We all know I’m not. Sure, I like to have my cocktails and love to make fun of the fact that while I talk a good game? I really can’t hold my liquor. That I’d actually make a pretty disappointing alcoholic.

I also make jokes about my very serious depression. I don’t mean to make light of it, but compared to how it used to be, heck I’m practically the picture of sound mental health (please insert oxymoron reference if you wish).

There have been other addictions in my life. Addictions that nearly took me to the place where Kimberly ultimately ended up.

It only takes a link down memory lane to put your life back in to perspective again. To make you grateful for everything you’ve been blessed with. To make you realize that by God, you’re one lucky broad.

And to quit whining so much already.

Jun 5

Guess who’s a happy girl?

Just take a wild guess!

If you guess me, you would be right.

Inventory is over and I mailed the last of the inventory paperwork this morning without so much as a kiss “goodbye”.

Now, it’s get through the termination papers and pay comps for all my temporary hires without causing poor Tess to start drinking on the job, and then the fun starts.

Howard and I have made a pact to make this the “summer of fun”.  We’ve got a pretty reliable weekend crew now and we’re going to attempt to take Saturdays and Sundays off so that we can relax and enjoy our boat and spend some quality time with Mama Jean when she visits this year.  It always sounds like we’re out having fun a lot but the truth is, those moments come rarely.  Most of the time, we’re at the store, in one capacity or another.  Now, we’re still committed to our jobs but we’ve decided that this year, we’re going to “let go” a little and stop being so anal about the running of it.

I’m pretty darn excited about it.

My liver?  Well.  He’s just hoping this summer goes by fast.

Jun 1

What stress?  What anxiety?  What bad week?

One ribeye, medium rare, five three Heineken Lights, and two one Malibu Pine later, I’m all:

“Stress?  What stress?  Stress is my bitch!”

Oh my Lord, do I curse a lot.

By the way, since I’m totally shitfaced a wee tipsy, I’ve been meaning to give a whole bunch of shout outs to people that I knew read my blog and who I have not publically acknowledged because…well…denial is the best way to deal with anything.

It all started about seven months ago when this lady that lives here said to me as I helped her carry out her groceries:

“Hey, I’ve been meaning to tell you, I found your blog and it’s really funny!”

I then froze and swallowed the hot and sour bile that nearly came through my nose from my stomach.

“um, really? cool”  (and I’ll just bet you were so impressed with my vast and broad vocabulary)

“You should look in to writing professionally someday.”

*cue the choking cough before thanking her and then make some pathetic statement about it supposedly being anonymous

And at least two more people have told me they found my blog too.  These people live in my town.

My very VERY small village.

Fuck.  Now they really know how crazy I am.

Also, I got an email a few months ago from a friend who used to live here, saying she too, found my blog and reads it.  She says my perspective is “fresh”.

That’s just fancy talk for:

“Oh my God Chris, I never knew you were so crazy or had such a potty mouth!”  (or would that actually be finger?  you know, because it’s typed?)

I’ve sort of downplayed the whole thing because let’s face it:  There are far better blogs out there.  This whole thing here is just something I came up with one day.  For some reason I decided to go public with my insanity.

And yet I’ve managed not to get kicked out of the blogosphere.

I think they’re just feeling sorry for me.

Or maybe everyone’s just an alcoholic like me.

(I have no idea what that last sentence had to do with anything I just said)

(Also, drunk posts are fun, wheee!)

And also, all of you women over that at the “district office?”  And my friend who lives in Arizona with whom I’ve been a terrible penpal?  Ya’ll are officially outed!

So “Hi Judy!” , “Hi Kaye!”, “Hi Glenna!”, “Hi Jeff and Monica!”, “Hi Noel!”

Whew I’m glad that’s over with.  My glass is empty anyway.

Jun 1

There. That was the perfect title for this post. Here’s an example of my day:

- attempt to get the rest of price tags hung before inventory which is Sunday.

- ring up customers

- attempt to finish up paperwork that needs to be done before inventory which is Sunday.

-ring up more customers

-answer phone

-check work email

-do next week’s order for produce and other food items. (for the store)

-answer emails

-finish up month end things that need to be turned in.

-answer phones again

-ring up customers

-remember that I haven’t even tested the counting machines and find that while I have eight units, I only have five charging cords. Nice.

-hand out a frillion applications because everyone decided that today and no earlier, even though I’ve had my “help needed for inventory” signs posted for over two weeks now, they would LOVE to help with inventory. Most of them are teenagers under the age of 17. Which means work permits, chasing down acceptable forms of identification, you get the idea….

-oh my god, if I have to fill out one more god damn W-4 or I-9 today, I’m going to kick someone.

-fuck! I still don’t have those tags hung.

-Bullshit and onion gravy, the ATM is down AGAIN? I can forget about calling the “24 hour customer service line” because even though it’s “24 hours”, they don’t work on weekends. Still not sure how that worked out, but okay.

-If you tell me one more time that my fucking ATM is down? I’m going to chuck you AND the damn machine in the river. Oh you don’t think I can? You just go ahead and try me.

-NO! I don’t know when the machine will be back up.

-Dude, don’t EVEN start complaining about your schedule when everyone is required to be here on Sunday for inventory. YOU have known about it for two months now. Shut it or I’m no longer going to turn a blind eye to the fact that you NEVER take out the garbage when I ask you to.

-answer more phones

-ring up more customers

-the fucking tags are neverending…are we in hell?

-I’m not selling any more liquor to you today, I know you already downed two fifths and believe me, if drinking on the job were legal, I’d be right there with you but dude, it’s my responsibility to cut you off once you can’t even form a sentence while trying to tell me what you want.

-Did I eat lunch today?

-What’s my name again?

-Okay fuck it, I’m going home to start drinking. If you need anything, you know my number. On second thought, lose it.

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