Aug 30

I swear this really happened today.  Sure it’s situational humor but I’m telling you.  Even seeing it typed here makes me giggle all over again.

Today, in the store, two of my favorite customers, Tom and Camille, were at the register, and after ringing them up, they hung out just to talk and “shoot the breeze”.  Tom was browsing the newspaper and saw an article about the polygamist that was arrested yesterday in Vegas.  Here’s how it all went down.

Tom:  Hey, how do you pronounce that word?

Me:  Puh-li-guh-mee Polygamy

Tom: Oh okay.  Hey, what do you call a woman who has many husbands?

Camille:  A Bigamist

Me:  No, that’s a person with just two spouses.  Poly means many.

Tom:  So, if you call a man with many wives a polygamist, what do you call a woman with many husbands.

Camille:  Oh well, in that case you would call her a whore.

Tom and I laughed so hard, we couldn’t for about a solid minute.  I could not have timed it any better.

Laugh now, because you know that’s funny, and yes I know a bit sexist too.  Double standards suck.  Yes yes, don’t email me, just get a sense of humor.

Aug 29

I was over at Jennifer’s MySpace page, watching a clip of her reading a chapter from her new book. (Out September 5th!)

As I was admiring her appearance, I noticed how beautifully she filled out her top. I mean, the girl’s got some smokin’ hooters. (Yes I just said Hooters)

And it hit me out of nowhere. I’m still trying to figure it out:

I kind of miss my big boobs. (cue the screeching of tires and watch the world stop here)

Back in 2001, I was lamenting to my friend Cindy about how I hated my boobs. To say they were big would be an understatement. I’d always hated them up to that point. Before I hit puberty, they were no bigger than mosquito bites, but something happened and my great grandmother’s genes woke up and blessed me with gargantuous knockers. Sure I had girlfriends who were envious. But being 13 and looking like a 17 year old isn’t fun. My body looked out of proportion with those babies taking up the better half of my torso. And buying bras? An absolute nightmare. I couldn’t fit into those cute little Victoria’s Secret bras. Not even by digging in the very bottom drawer under the display racks. I had to special order them. And we were poor. My mother didn’t much like my boobs either.

I remember watching Soleil Moon Frye go through the same thing. But she was able to afford a breast reduction. I remember feeling hopeless that I’d be stuck with these two curses forever. I mean sure, I had my moments, I could fill up a prom dress like nobody’s business. But I had to buy a dress two sizes bigger than I was just to fit my chest, then had to have the bottom part altered down to fit the lower half of my body.

And let’s not even get in to bathing suits and the North Carolina heat. Suffice it to say, I had major chaffing issues.

SO back to Cindy. She mentioned that our other friend Stephanie had just had a reduction the year before, paid for by her insurance company. This sparked my interest. Within a month, I’d scheduled an appt with her plastic surgeon and within another month, I was approved for the surgery.

Finally in June of 2001, I went under the knife. I won’t lie, it’s pretty invasive. You can’t sleep on your stomach or side for two weeks, and you have to stay pretty much bedridden during the healing process, also, you can’t lift your arms above your head, lest you scar too much. I went from a DDD to a B cup in less than four hours.
But even with a sore ass from sleeping and sitting on it for two whole weeks, changing bandages every two hours, and having to have Howard help me bathe, I never looked back. I never regretted it. Not even now, when I only have partial feeling in them, and I have visible scars.
I no longer have backpain, I no longer have ridges in my shoulders from the weight of them in my bra, I no longer feel self conscious.  I can buy cute bras from Victoria’s Secret. I can even wear tight, fitted, little shirts. Hell, some days? This girl doesn’t even wear a bra.
But now…I have problems filling up bra…and filling up those tight, fitted, little shirts. Cleavage? There ain’t none unless I wear a push up bra. And those are the times I kind of miss them. Kind of. And of course, Howard has less to grope.

But even though I kind of miss having a full set, I think people like Jennifer carry them much better than I ever did.

Aug 25

The trip to town was ditched due to bad weather. I’m a little bummed about it but you know? I really don’t like being in a small plane in a bad weather. I did it a lot in our previous villages. I don’t miss it.
I’ll just do my drinking locally, thank you very much. And there’s also steak night. So no big losses. (Except for “Knockouts” at Sully’s and Scallop Kabob’s at Orso)

Anyway. Tangient.

I just read this over at Lauren’s blog and boy, did I completely understand where she was coming from.

My mother? Does the same thing. (Sorry mom!)

She’s really good with using words in context (which is one of my many pet peeves), so that’s not a problem and I promise you guys that she is really a smart lady, it’s mainly the pronunciation of words she has a problem with. Or sometimes she’ll get a word mixed up with another word. Here are a few examples:

Chimney. Mom’s version? “Chimley”

Rottweiler. Mom’s version? “Rockwilder”

Anthrax. Mom’s version? “Amtrax”

Exercise. Mom’s version? “Extercise”

I used to correct her but it annoyed her. Sometimes? I think she just does it to get back at me for always correcting her. It has its adorable side too though. And I love my mom. She’s of quick wit and always had eyes in the back of her head when it came to her kids. Where she gets this? I’ve no idea.

My mother in law does the same thing at times. It’s weird. BOTH OF THESE WOMEN ARE COLLEGE EDUCATED!!
Oprah Winfrey? Jean’s version: Okra Wimprey

And she gets titles mixed up too. A long time ago, back when we lived in civilization, a production of “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” was playing at our local community theatre. Jean, being a big theatre buff just like me asked me if I planned on seeing it. Only this is how she asked:

“Are you going to see “The Coat of Many Colors?” over at Foothills?”

Thank God, both of these women can take their fair share of ribbing on my part.

I just have to watch myself when I get the word “humility” mixed up with “humidity”. Especially around either one of them.

Aug 23

I have no idea what I was drinking (I pray that I was drunk), but somehow I found myself watching Flavor of Love 2 on Vh1.

It was the season premiere.

Forget all the fist fights, the fact that Flavor Flav is painfully dumb, not to mention ugly, forget that his two gold teeth must surely make eating ice cream difficult.

Yes let’s forget all that, because ya’ll?

One of the contestants shit on his floor.

I’m sorry.  There’s just no pretty way to put it.  The girl crapped/pooped/ca ca’ed on his floor.

It wasn’t on purpose.  Apparantly the poor girl just couldn’t hold it.

Not only did she openly admit it, but she stayed on the show!

I’m still traumatized by it.  You know?  I’ve seen my share of vulgarities from tv/movies.  We all have, haven’t we?
But bowel movements on reality tv?  Oh HELL no.

I just read by watching the show again finding a link to the episode (to put here) that she was eliminated in round 2.  Apparantly he just couldn’t past it.

HE just couldn’t get past it.  She obviously didn’t have a problem with it.
Girlfriend please.  I’d have moved to the other side of the world and changed my identity.  I’m sorry.  But some things are just meant to be private.

I do commend the girl though for having the guts to suffer through it all publically.  Wow.  The term “Shit Happens” will never ever seem like just another happy catch phrase.  Ever.

And I don’t think I’ll ever quit laughing about it.

Aug 21

Since writing a while back about my friend Jenni, I thought I’d elaborate on another friend, who is probably my oldest friend.

I have a circle of four very very close girlfriends. I consider each one of them my best friend because if you had to choose between these very different, very unique and remarkable women? You’d understand my plight.

So let me tell you about my friend Heather.

Heather and I met when we were both in junior high (or middle school, as is known in the south). There we were, fresh out of elementary school, with our very own lockers, and high top L.A. Gear tennis shoes. We were in the midst of our awkward adolescence. She’d gone to a different elementary school than I had, but we ended up having a few classes together and became fast friends.

To look at us, we were polar opposites. She was tall, willowy, had blonde hair. I was short, voluptuous, and had dark brown hair. Yet we were drawn to each other. (Blew that birds of a feather theory right out of the water) Weekends were spent at each other’s houses, we’d talk on the phone for hours. We’d call boys. Boys would call us.

I saw her through her parents divorce, she saw me through my first broken heart.

I’ll never forget the night I called her nearly hysterical to tell her that my boyfriend had broken up with me. When you’re 15 years old and this is your first love, this is no laughing matter. (of course, we laugh and roll our eyes now) Heather saw the positive in the situation. Here I was, having just been dumped, she was unattached, and the summer loomed ahead of us. She wasted no time in making sure I had fun. We spent a week at Myrtle Beach together. The trip that bonded us for life. We kissed boys, we flirted, we went to “The Magic Attic”, we laughed, cried and had a blast. On our last night, we were “grounded” by her mom because we (I) did something really stupid that got us into trouble. (perhaps Heather can talk about that night on her blog…hint hint) We were sequestered to our room (we stayed in a condo) and Heather, of course, made the best of it. We ended up having so much fun in that room. We sponge rolled our hair, sang along to the radio, laughed until we spit Sun Drop (it’s a soda pop you can only get in the south as well) out our noses, and in the end, were kind of glad we were “grounded.”

At the beginning of high school, Heather’s mom moved to Ohio, taking her three daughters with her. I remember being devastated. I just knew Heather and I would never see each other again. It was hard without her. But the next year, she moved back to her dad’s and life was good again. We spent another summer inseparable. I then, had a new boyfriend, who put up with me always wanting to take Heather on our dates. Once school started, Heather too had a boyfriend. Naturally we began to spend less time together.

That was also around the time that the said boyfriend lost his father and became who is now known to everyone as “the psycho.” He began to drive a wedge between me and my friends. Especially Heather and Julie (Julie, my sweet Julie, whom I owe a big post to as well), who were my very best friends. I, being “in love”, fell right into his trap. I was “brainwashed” into thinking my friends hated me now. “The psycho” loved it. He reveled in it. He knew that as long as he could keep my friends from me, he could control me. His “control” of course, was skewed as his being chivalrous. The white knight would could protect me from anything. Eventually, it all came to a head. Heather and I in a screaming match at school. It was as horrible as anyone can imagine having a fight with your best friend, could be. I tried to make amends later but the damage was already done. Our friendship was never quite the same the rest of the year.

Luckily, the following summer, I came to my senses and dumped my boyfriend. Heather and I found each other again, but by senior year, we were both so busy with our own dramas, that we never quite connected like we did before we had the big fight.

We both went on to graduate high school, I went off to college, Heather went off to start her own life, we both sewed our wild oats.

We’d give each other a call every now and then, just to see how the other was doing.

But finally a few years ago, we reconnected through this wonderful thing called the internet. And it was as if the time had never passed. The fight? Forgotten. The strained friendship? Mended. She was married and had a son. She’d also moved back to Ohio. But we vowed to see each other again. And we did several times. She and her family even came to spend a weekend with us in Wilmington. She and I took Josh (her son) to the beach, she and I went shopping, we spent a lot of time just talking and catching up.
Heather and I have vowed to never take our friendship for granted again. We still laugh at how she and I are probably the only two people in the world who have seen the movie “Shy People”, and loved it. We still laugh at all the silliness and the thrill of the carefree days as teenagers. She made a big part of my childhood happy. I’m grateful she is doing the same for my adulthood.

Aug 19

Last night, steak night turned into yet another dancing free-for-all.  I used Howard’s being back as an excuse.  We all needed to celebrate.

Before going last night, I talked to Dusty on the phone because we are planning our weekend to town next week.  His roommate Brian is a pilot and is flying us in.  Free rides to civilization=very VERY cool. (Sullivan’s and Orso, here we come!)

Aaaaanyway, the time came to get off of the phone and head on over to the bar.

“Call me if you’re bored later, and I’ll come down and drink with you.”  he said
“Okey doke”. I replied before hanging up.

Howard hasn’t had a day off in over three weeks.  And working 13 and 14 hour days, plus squeezing in a few hours of fishing, didn’t leave time for an alcohol binge, and an entire day to sleep it off, so I felt I owed it to him.  (hee!)

I won’t go in to details but here are some highlights:

-Watermelon Cosmo’s are quite possibly my new favorite mixed drink now.

-Dusty came down and then we drunk dialed our friend Kathy and made her come down too!

-Our friend Greg (Kathy’s husband), knows just where a pressure point is on the back of anyone’s neck and it cures heartburn.  Dude.  I’m serious.  He tried it on me and Susie and it bloody worked!

-Dusty, Susie, Kathy, the other Kathy, Greg, Howard and Audrey, all thought it would be hilarious if, every time, I got up to go pee, they would move to another table.  I never fell for it though, just played it off and laughed with them.  Note to readers:  if you’re going to do this to someone?  Leave their drink at the table you’re leaving.  Don’t take it with you!  This gives it all away.

-We decided to do it to Howard when he got up, and realizing there wasn’t a table they hadn’t shuffled to, I decided we should all hide in the utility closet.  And by that time?  A few more friends had joined our table.  There we were all huddled in the closet, waiting for Howard to come out and looked confused.  Turns out, he was oblivious and bellied up to the bar.  We then snuck back to the table.  I don’t think he even noticed but we had all the other bar goer’s either giving us really weird looks or laughing their asses off.

-Dusty and I love to dance with each other, but you get too much alcohol in that boy and his “lead” turns into a forceful push, pull, and jerk session.  He was literally throwing me all over the dance floor.  We were laughing so hard at one point, our heads bumped and I thought I broke my glasses.  We both had to run to the bathroom, we thought we were going to piss ourselves.

-At one point during the night, we were doing some sort of “polka/let’s all stand in a circle and hold hands and go in a circle” and all of a sudden, someone yelled, “Chrissy in the middle! Chrissy in the middle!” and next thing you know, I’m in the middle of the circle dancing and trying my best too look cool (though I’m sure I just looked very drunk), while our friends dance around me in a circle of hands.  Makes one very VERY dizzy.  Never do this drunk.  Ever.

-The bartender kept giving me this big beaming smile and finally I asked him why,and he said, “I’ve never seen you drink this much vodka, you’re usually a beer girl.”  Very observant, that bartender.  Now whip me up another one of those watermelon cosmo’s.

-Before leaving last night, and doling out our share of “I LOVE YOU MAN!”s and hugs, Dusty leaned down and asked me where my truck was.  I said “It’s right over there man!”, just as I realized, it wasn’t.  I promptly freaked the fuck out.  Dusty then said between tear inducing laughter that Susie and Kathy played a prank on me and parked my truck at the gas pump next door.  I then saw them sitting in Susie’s Bronco laughing hysterically.  “BITCHES!” I yelled to them.  Then laughed right along with them.

-While driving home (chill out, we live less than a mile from the bar, in an isolated little village of three hundred, and I drove VERY VERY slow.), Howard asked me how, when the time came, would we ever leave this amazingly cool place.  I simply looked over at him and said “Who’s leaving?”  He then replied: “You have a point.”

I think we gave him a proper homecoming.  And I’m sure once I’m past the headache and nausea, that I’ll remember why I’m usually a “beer girl”.

Aug 16

Holy shit, my good friend Heather updated! I’m so happy. Go over there and give her some props.

Aug 15

Holy Mary, mother of God, thank you so much for stopping the rain FINALLY and giving us a glimpse of sunlight.  I was beginning to think it would rain until the snow comes in October.  I mean, I like rain and all, but two solid weeks of it is ridiculous.

Howard got in on the morning flight yesterday.  It was almost foreign seeing him again.  His suitcases are still unpacked and there is a pile of shit sitting on the kitchen table that he bought in Anchorage.  The best part?  was the 30lbs of silver salmon he caught over the two weeks he was in King Salmon.  Of course we had it for dinner.  While I adore living here, I miss having really good salmon.

I registered for a class today.  One class with books? 502 dollars.  My GOD, whose idea was it to drop out of college when mom and dad still paid for it?  Oh yeah.  That was me, sorry.

My Chanel bag arrived.  Oh my dog, she is beautiful.  And for the record, that class at UAF was more expensive, so I don’t feel as guilty for buying it now.  Now I just need to head into town to actually carry it.  (yes everyone asks me why I need such an extravagance while living in the bush. It’s my thing, let it go.)

My sister called me the other day and said that my niece was dying to ask me a question.  She put her on the phone and in her adorable southern drawl she said:

“Aunt Christina (my sister REFUSES to call me anything but Christina, therefore her children only know me as that), will you come down here and drive me to the movies or the pool?”

“Honey, I really would, but I live far far away and it would take me a long time to get there.  But I promise you that when we come visit next year, I’ll take you to the movies and if it’s warm enough, we’ll go to the pool too.” I said, my guilt showing.
“Okay….well…here’s mama.  I love you.”  She replied.

“I love you too baby.” I said.

She’s just that easy.  She’s a pretty happy-go-lucky kid.  If you refuse her something but then also explain why?  She’s all good with it.  She’s one of the most un-demanding children I’ve ever known.

My sister got back on the phone and chuckled:

“I thought you might enjoy that.  I tried to explain to her that you live 3000 miles away and can’t just get in your car and drive over, but she needed to hear it from you.”

I then heard my nephew yelling in the background:

“I wanna talk, I wanna talk!”

“Hang on, here’s Bradley” she said

“Heeeey”, he said in his sweet southern four year old accent.

“Hey buddy, how are you?” I asked

“I’m fine, hey, will you come over here and drive me to the pool?”  He asked.

“I’m sorry honey but I can’t..I live too far away but I was just explaining to your sister that when I come visit next year, I’ll take you guys to the movies and to the pool, if it’s warm enough, okay?”

“But why?” he asked
“Um…because it’s too far to drive.” I replied
“Because you live in Alaska?” He inquired

“Yes sweetie…Alaska is very very far away from you.”

He sighed a little sigh and said:

“Oooooh oooookaaaayy, here’s mama (pause) I love you!”  He yelled.

Such a contrasting difference between the two children, but having them at an age where they’re asking about me and remembering me when Kim talks to them makes me ache to see them and spend time with them.  I’m glad she calls when they ask though.  Hearing “I love you” from a small child could end wars.  I firmly believe this.

Aug 12

Last night, I got off work early and decided to take a 45 minute power nap before heading over to our usual steak night.

With Howard gone, I’ve had friends take pity on me, I’ve had invitations to share a meal, have a beer, dance and fall down like an idiot, etc…

The phone rang and it woke me up from my nap, which I appreciated because I might have very well slept through steak night.

“Hey” the voice on the other end said.

“Hey” I replied.

“You going to steak night?” realizing it was Brian, Dusty’s roommate, and Brian failed “Phone Etiquette 101″ and doesn’t identify himself. Which I guess is okay because if you’re my friend, why would you, right? But I digress.

“Yep, of course” I replied, wiping the sleep out of my eyes.

“Wanna ride with us?” he asked.

“Um sure.” I replied

“We’ll be over in about 15 (minutes)”

“Okay” I said before hanging up.

I jumped up, brushed my teeth, ran a brush through my hair, changed clothes and realized that I needed to stop by the store to pick up a few things before I left and thought it would probably be better just to meet the guys over there, rather than ride with them. So I called them back. The answering machine picked up.

“Hey guys, it’s Chris, I need to run by the store and get some cash and do a few things, so I’ll just meet you over there, go ahead and order for me. See you there!” I hung up, grabbed my keys and headed out the door.

I was almost to the truck when I saw a white minivan pull into the driveway. Obviously NOT Brian or Dusty.

It was our friend Joe, his wife Hoi, and our other friend, Julie.

My confused look was reciprocated.

“You ready?” Joe yelled out the window.

It took a second to realize that it wasn’t Brian who called me. It was Joe. Who also failed the phone etiquette class.

I played it off and told them I’d meet them at the bar, etc.

When I got there and sat down at the table, Joe had a Heineken waiting for me.

“Guys have I got a funny story.” I said, before taking my first drink.
So I told them.

“That explains the dazed and bewildered look.” Joe said after my confession.
Not 10 minutes later, Dusty walked in the door, looking just as confused. He walked over to me.

Now, I LOVE to torture Dusty because he makes it sooo easy. Like me, he’s very susceptible to guilt trips. I switched to actress mode.

“Geez, I thought you guys would never show up.” I feigned.

He cocked his head to the side, and sat down and ordered a beer. I let him get settled in as Joe, Hoi, and Julie were trying to suppress their laughter. They knew exactly where I was going with this.

He turned to me and said:

“Did I tell you I was coming to steak night tonight?”

“Yes!”

“Was that today in the store?”

“Yes!”

My poker face could have won an Oscar.

He then shook his head, took a swig of his beer, and he blushed. He blushes easily. Adorable bastard that he is.

“I think my job is really stressing me out, I’m forgetting things so easily lately. I’m so embarassed! I forgot! I’m so glad you called!” He said, not even doubting me. (See how he makes it easy?)

“Me too, geez, luckily these guys were here.” I said.

“I’m so sorry Chrissy!” he said.

“It’s okay…..” I said with a big broad smile

“What?!!!?” He asked suspiciously.

We all fell into fits of laughter. Then I told him what happened.

He was actually relieved that he wasn’t losing his mind. I was.

“Well girlfriend, order up another beer, we’re staying up all night.” He said with a smug smile.
How’s that for flipping the script and downplaying my inept ability to tell my friends apart on the phone?

Aug 11

Here’s an earworm for you.  I guess this would be called the “Friday Song Lyrics”…doesn’t sound as cool as Saturday does it?  Anyway, enjoy!

Crazy by Gnarls Barkley


I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place
Even your emotions had an echo in so much space

And when you’re out there without care
Yeah I was out of touch
But it wasn’t because I didn’t know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me Crazy
Does that make me Crazy
Does that make me Crazy
Possibly

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that’s my only advice
Come on now
who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you
think you are, ha ha ha bless your soul
you really think you’re in control

well
I think you’re Crazy
I think you’re Crazy
I think you’re Crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on the limb
All I remember is thinking I want to be like them.
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little
It looked like fun
And there’s no coincidence I’ve come
And I can die when I’m done

But Maybe I’m Crazy
Maybe you’re Crazy
Maybe we’re Crazy
Probably

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