I tried to deny it for the past couple of weeks, hoping it was just stress. But not even after a weekend of relaxation minus school work is my body able to reset itself.
Nope, the insomnia has returned once again. Waking up in a panic at midnight, and every hour on the hour, tossing and turning, shifting the covers, getting up to let the dog out, hoping the cold air will somehow trick my body into actually craving the warmth of my comfortable bed (not to mention sheets).
Only at about 7:59am do my eyes grow heavy and I feel my body give in to slumber. At 8:00am the alarm goes off and I have to get up for work.
Add that to the current stress of my life and I’m one happy camper.
I don’t know how to deal with this anymore. Insomnia gives way to panic, gives way to questions like: will I ever be a normal sleeper? FUCK. I just want 8 God damn hours, consecutively and somewhere between 10pm and 8am. That’s all I want. Right now, my average is 4 hours. And those hours aren’t usually consecutive. And you’d better believe I don’t dare nap during the day. Oh no. That will wreak havoc even more.
It seems from the time I was able to move around in my mother’s womb, my sleeping habits have been less than desirable. Just ask my mom. I was awake A LOT. Poor woman never got any sleep when she was pregnant with me.
I am grateful for the few months that I do get a decent amount of sleep, believe me. But is it too much to ask to want it all the time?
There are people who can function on very little sleep. I can function? But not happily. Insomnia does not suit me at all. It is the cross I bear for some reason.
Medication? Tried ‘em all. They work in large doses only. My body is just too stubborn. I have to find a way to make my body listen to my mind.
So be grateful if you’re the type to hit the pillow and go right to sleep. Remember the weirdos like us running around.