Insane Ramblings

While IM’ing with an old friend:

Me: sorry about that, had to tinkle, I’ve drank fifty frillion gallons of water today

Him: if you’ve drank that much, you’re doing more than just a tinkle

Me: true but tinkle sounds more ladylike

Then yesterday, I tried making the “tinkle” comment a little funnier.

Me: brb gotta tinkle aka cow pissing on flat rock

Him: okay

Me: I’m back

Him: You know, when you have to go somewhere I don’t need to know what you’re doing. A simple brb will suffice

Me: (Trying to type and ask if he’s talking about the fact that I told him that I had to pee or just me saying what I’m doing in general but for some reason I felt all embarassed and didn’t know how to ask it without getting more embarassed)

Him: There are just some things I don’t need to know, like the fact that you’re peeing.

Me: (horribly embarassed still can’t type anything, mortified that I used the whole cow reference, I mean it does give quite a visual)

Him: (awkward chitchat of absolutely no relevance) hey, I’m just giving you a poke in the ribs

Me: You know those things called awkward moments?

Him: yes

Me: I think we just had one.

It’s tough when you’ve known someone so long and feel so very comfortable with them that you could practically say anything and in fact, most of the time do, and then hear that screeching halt in your head followed by crickets when you know you’ve crossed the line.

Luckily, friends like that can get a good laugh at it too. If he ever farts and tells me about it? I’m going to give him sooo much hell. Because honestly. He’s right. There are some things that are just sacred.

Just in case you all were wondering, I am happy that Danni won Survivor and not Steph. Sorry people, I just didn’t like her. I was really pulling for Lydia though. I have a weakness for under-dogs.

You know what I find so funny? (and I’ve been dying to ask this:) Do you all (those of you who watch Survivor) remember the night Judd was voted out and Jeff asked him how he would answer to someone on the jury if he betrayed them? Do you remember his answer? He said something to the effect of “I’d tell them what I’d tell anybody, this is a game, I’m sorry, nothin’ personal but that’s how it is.”

And then did you watch him get all bent out of shape because HE was the one who not only got voted off but stabbed in the back? “Scumbags”.

You know? It wouldn’t do for me to be the host on that show, because if I’d have been Jeff, I would have thrown in a “Well Judd, that’s just how it is.”

But that’s just me.

Can you tell I have very little patience for hypocrasy?

My weepiness has been replaced with fits of laughter because this morning, for no reason at all, Howard just started doing this goofy dance and singing about getting on his clothes and driving to the store.

What makes it so funny is that it was very early this morning, I was curled up on the couch, he was in a pair of shorts, holding a shirt and swinging it around, he’d just bent over to kiss me, and he CANNOT dance very well. Not even with alcohol. But God bless his effort because I tripped over myself trying to get up off the couch to run to the bathroom because it was just that funny.

And in the midst of the shirt swinging, he knocked shit off the bookshelf then tried to catch it all, put it back, and then went on to finish “his routine”.

Thank God, I’ve got a husband who loves to amuse himself and his wife. One of these days, I’ll tell you about his whole “Near, Far” routine. (You know, the one that Grover does on Sesame Street)

The things you do when you’re alone and think your wife surely won’t tell to the entire internet. But whatever gets me through the day, right?

I’ve been weepy all weekend. I must have teared up at least 20 times while watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” last night. And yes, I know, that movie can make anyone cry 20 times.

But also? One of the many sources of my shitty week last week, came by my house last night with a homemade Fruit Cake. And it wasn’t one of those yucky, hard as a brick, Fruit Cakes either. It was made with fresh nuts, cherries and good Merlot. It was yummy.

And I cried when she handed it to Howard and then he came to the bedroom (where I was hiding because I was still in my pajamas and still hadn’t showered even though it was already 6:30pm), to show me the cake and tell me she told him “I really wanted to make up for what happened this week, tell her, I’m really sorry..”

And then last night, Susan called us and asked if we wanted to go out to the bar with Dusty and few more people, because our friend Aaron is moving to Kansas on Tuesday. I, was still in my pj’s and declined, but thanked her for thinking about us. Then she said “Are you okay, honey? You haven’t seemed yourself all weekend.” And I choked up and managed a “No I’m fine, really, just feeling a little under the weather.” THEN she said “Someone here wants to apologize to you” This was YET another source of my shitty week. I couldn’t handle that. I quickly told her to tell the person not to worry about it and quickly hung up.

Then I ran to the bathroom and sobbed some more.

Now usually, I’ve got a pretty thick skin, but this week has been tough for me. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been yelled at too many times this year by customers. Maybe I’ve reached my quota and I’m all filled up. Now any and all rude comments are just spilling over the sides, causing major problems with the floodgates. But I’ll say this:

It’s huge to admit when you’re wrong. And it’s even harder to humble yourself and apologize for something cruel and mean. And two different people did that this week. There are so many people who are convinced they are right, no matter how mean or how cruel they can be. For someone who is human enough to admit it to themselves AND admit and ask forgiveness of the person they inflicted it upon? Impresses the hell out of me.

And it makes me fall in love with this town all over again.

AT least THAT can make me shed some happy tears. And in my book, happy tears are always good.

A-hem. So you know that last post?

Well um *clears throat again*…yeah I was kind of drunk.

Okay not kind of. I was really. REALLY drunk.

What a way to fuck up a first drunk post right?

Uh. Yeah.

You know when you just have those bad days? Bad weeks? Come on, we all have them. (at least I hope so)

Yeah last night was a bad night. Drinking. Crying. And nooooobody likes a crying drunk. God knows, when someone starts, I’m all “Grab the coats, and who has the car keys?”

At least I didn’t do it in public. I did it at home. With Howard. Howard the saint, who strokes my hair, helps me change into my pj’s, practically holds the toothbrush for me while I’m brushing my teeth, tucks me into bed, talks me through it, and assures me it’s just the alcohol, the holidays, I’m not crazy.

Sometimes I think he stays married to me purely for entertainment purposes.

And yes I totally just used the word “so” to begin a sentence. Sue my hungover, whiny ass. I’m going to look for some cheese.

Dysfunction rears its ugly head when you cannot convince yourself that you are truly loved.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get to that place.

Then I want to point fingers. Place the blame. I feel completely helpless sometimes.

I want to allow myself happiness but I don’t. Not completely. It feels physical.

I cannot physically allow myself to exhale and just FEEL. To breathe.

I haven’t really truly breathed clean, clear breaths in over 25 years.

I live a good life, have amazing friends, people who love me. But I do not trust. Am not convinced, will forever be the cynic.

The cynic with a dazzling smile. The actress who could win oscars.

The actress who cannot love herself enough to accept love.

No matter how hard she tries. No matter how hard she tries to tell herself she is “healed”, she has “learned how”.

She tells herself she is damaged goods, the accident, the one who isn’t meant to be.

But she finds her resolve again. Digs and finds the mask and puts it on, ready to face another day. Because she knows deep down, somewhere, she is loved. Is worthy to love others. Maybe has made a difference somewhere. And so life goes on.

You know you’re a die hard Survivor fan, when, while in the middle of unloading 8 pallets of freight, (the plane landed very VERY late) you stop what you’re doing, ask the husband if he remembered to record it, he stops what he’s doing and says “oh shit. let’s watch the rest of it while it’s on.” Perishables? Be damned. Then you’re (yes we have cable in the store), sitting on a U-Boat sharing an apple, a carton of yogurt, and a Diet Pepsi, in the store you manage, watching Survivor. Then have to spend another full hour of unloading the rest of the pallets and not getting home until nearly 9pm.

However, Napoleon Dynamite was on, so that was a perfect way to end the night.

(do not email me about my lame entries as of late. I work in retail and Christmas is coming. I should not have to explain myself)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEATHER!

I’m completely cheating on Vin with Gavin DeGraw. His bonus CD “Stripped” is amazing. I officially have a crush on him. He’s beautiful and completely not my type! But that voice makes me melt.

Just felt like sharing.

Buying my Christmas cards in July, because I was going to be sooooo on top of things this year, and then promptly losing them somewhere between Anchorage and here.

Yeah. Go me.