Nov 18

Steak Night at McGuire’s Pub

Arriving, hearing rumors they were out of steaks but when actually talking to the owners, they tell me they ALWAYS save two steaks for us on Fridays.

Being bought a round of drinks by Tony who is from England, who is hilarious, and has a wife from Arkansas who hugged me the first time she ever met me, and knowing that Tony is otherwise a HUGE tightass when it comes to money.

Killing the last twenty minutes of my workday chatting with Tim, the radio station manager, about the movie “Sideways” and laughing it up and quoting the movie, causing massive eyerolls from Howard. Then having Tim tell me I have a “beautiful spirit” and “the most intense blue eyes he’s ever seen”, in front of my husband, who is totally flattered and beams.

Having my husband grab me in the office just to kiss me, grab my ass, and tell me he loves his beautiful wife.

After telling my cashier (whose name is ALSO Chris) that I feel maternal toward him, he tells me he likes how maternal I am and how it’s awesome to have such a “cool mom”. I love him. I want to officially adopt this child. He is potty trained! And smart! And is going to college if I have to pay the damn bill, because he is such an awesome kid!

Seriously. Tell me people. Is this all a conspiracy? Did you all know that I’d wake up in a foul mood and need some ego stroking? Because if I weren’t drunk right now? I’d SWEAR that’s what went down.

Because compliments for me are very hard. I am learning to accept them with grace as I get older but it is VERY VERY hard not wonder if there some hidden agenda behind the compliment.

Sick. I know. Must go get very very drunk now and analyze all of this until I pass out.

Nov 17

Maple Bourbon Glazed Turkey…

Turkey glazed with an alcoholic garnish?

This is totally the turkey recipe I will be using on Thanksgiving Day.

And I will even resist sneaking sips of Bourbon.

(only because there will be lots of wine on hand, don’t even think that I have that kind of self control)

Nov 15

Jennifer? I love you. You know I do. Especially since you actually reply to my emails personally. (yes she does, I might be insane but this is no delusion)

You know I’d hang out in Philly with you were it not for geography and a soul sucking job that will not allow time off but once a year.

However.

You left me hanging with Goodnight Nobody. It was delicious to the very last punctation, but honey? I was soooo frustrated by not knowing what happened with Kate regarding Ben or Evan. Now the majority of my good sense says she stuck it out with Ben. Because she’s got some marbles about her but LORD, not even a hint?…dammit…the fluffy, chick lit part of me wants to know how her love life turned out.

*you are all probably wondering why I am writing this publicly*

*because this is FREE ENTERTAINMENT people. F-R-E-E!*

Anyone else feel the same way I do? Or did I completely miss something? Like when Tess told me about the Gnome joke and I completely thought she was talking about something else, therefore her joke was completely lost on me but I was too embarassed to admit it.

Which by the way, thank the heavens, our little Tessy made it back to AK safe and sound.

She and I sent love letters back and forth for most of the morning yesterday.

“I love you”

“I love you more”

“No I love YOU more”

We didn’t say that exactly but you get the idea. (Again, embellishment for the sake of journalism, is NOT a crime)

Because we are just that good of friends. I also needed to MAKE SURE she KNEW I was just happy as hell she was back at work. She assured me she knew.

So your thoughts? I’d really appreciate it if someone would bring me up to speed. (on the book, not the Tess issue)

Nov 14

After emailing with a good friend of mine and mentioning that maybe I might have drank a little bit of tequila at the bar on Friday night with my steak, he emailed me back saying this song reminded him of me. It even mentions Bon Jovi, which Amy will appreciate and Julie or Heather can tell you how I am with tequila (with or without the lemon juice). And Josh? Well, he knew me since before I even touched the stuff. Jason? God the jello shooters and Darrell? Well he could tell you my experience with candles in porta-potties at outdoor weddings, due to alcohol. Hilarious!

“Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off”

She said I'm going out with my girlfriends
Marguerite is at the holiday inn
Oh have mercy my only thought
Was tequila makes her clothes fall off
I told her put an extra layer on
I know what happens when she drinks patron?
Her closets missing half the things she bought
Yea tequila makes her clothes fall off

She'll start by kicking out of her shoes
Lose an earring in her drink
Leave her jacket in the bathroom stall
Drop a contact down the sink

Them panty hose aint gonna last too long
If the dj puts bon jovi on
She might come home in a table cloth
Yea tequila makes her clothes fall off

She can handle any champagne brunch
A bridal shower with Bacardi punch
Jello shooters full of Smirnoff
But tequila makes her clothes fall off

She'll start by kicking out of her shoes
Lose an earring in her drink
Leave her jacket in the bathroom stall
Drop a contact down the sink

She don't mean nothing
She just havin fun
Tomorrow she say oh what have I done
Her friends will joke about the stuff she lost
Yea tequila makes her clothes fall off
Oh tequila makes her clothes fall off
Oh tequila makes her clothes fall off
Nov 13

Turned out to be a fight. Yes a full on fist fight between two guys with the same name. I haven’t been to a party where a fight broke out in over 10 years. It was one of those situations where a guy who clearly does not a happy drunk make, got really jealous because he heard a rumor that his ex-wife (emphasis on EX!) had a crush on the other guy with the same name.

So we’re all hanging out, the conversation is flowing, we’re laughing, taking pictures, when the ex-husband sucker punched the unsuspecting namesake.

Then apparantly this pissed off the namesake’s friend who wanted to jump in the fight, so he threw a couple of punches and then luckily Howard pulled off the friend while everyone else pulled off the ex-husband/asshole. The namesake was clearly shaken, so we got him settled into a booth (the party was held at the cafe), Howard was still holding back the friend who was yelling at the asshole “Why would you do that man?” I got the friends attention, held his hand and pressed against him, blocking him from the asshole, so he was comfortably sandwiched between Howard and myself and said “there is no good reason, B, just let him leave.” Luckily B, actually listened me and Howard and we released him from the sandwich.

Everyone was shell-shocked and trying to clean the place up for our hostess who was in tears, because no one likes a fight when you’re having a friggin’ birthday party. I mean, geez.

The rest of the guys threw the asshole out in the street. As he deserved. B was standing with me and Howard when he blurted out “I’m sorry I had a fight in the middle of your black panther party.” You know, the line from Forrest Gump? I don’t think anyone got it except for me, and I cracked up and he put his arm around me and said “Well thank God for Chris!” He then went to hug the hostess and apologize to her.

Needless to say, the party was over but as friends, we all pitched in, got the hostess and the birthday boy calmed down, and cleaned up the place so they wouldn’t have to wake up to a mess this morning.

I don’t understand people who drink, then like to fight. I’m a happy drunk as most people I know are.

Note to self: NEVER invite crazy deranged jealous assholes who can’t handle their liquor to any of my parties.

The good part was, Dusty and I got good and sloshed and had another really good conversation and managed to do it all without either of us crying. Hangovers today notwithstanding of course.

Nov 12

This morning, my sister called me at work, just to catch up and we got into one of those deep conversations about our childhood and the next thing you know, I’m in tears, she’s in tears, and Howard’s poking his head in the office door asking me if I’m okay. I nodded that I was, then he handed me a Diet Mountain Dew, like a good husband, and I wrapped up the conversation with Kim.

When I came out the door, I immediately went to the bathroom to dry my eyes and check my makeup but not before being spotted by Dusty who was waiting for me when I came out.

“What’s wrong?”

“Oh just family drama, it’s all good.”

“No, uh uh, I tell you all my family secrets, you get to tell me all of yours. Spill.”

“Dusty, you’ve had a crappy week as it is, don’t worry about it.”

“Exactly, I’m using it to my full advantage. Now spill.”

“SERIOUSLY! I’m just a psycho who cries when talking about sad things with my sister.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously!”

“Well, let’s get really good and drunk tonight and cry together, okay?”

“You’re on!”

That’s my kind of mayor. So tonight, we’re celebrating his uncle’s birthday and breaking out the blender. It will be a night of crying into frothy girly drinks, dancing on tables and God knows what else.

You may even get a drunk post out of it.

But don’t hold your breath

Nov 9

That it is actually possible to be chapped from head to toe. No really. My skin is sooooo dry on my thighs. MY THIGHS! Even the back of my thighs! In fact, right now? While I’m sitting here? I just realized the only thing NOT chapped on my body is my ass and scalp. Thank GOD for that. My whole body (except for said ass and scalp) feels like it’s windburned.

Last night, I had to have Howard help rub me down. Plumeria Body Lotion on the arms, elbows, chest and stomach. Cucumber Melon Shea Butter on the back and thighs. Miracle Foot Repair on my feet. And let’s not forget my face. Thank God for Clinique’s “Firming and Hydrating” moisturizer.

That’s one thing I DO NOT like about Alaska. There is ZERO humidity, especially in the cold months. And burning the woodstove? Oh shit. Sucks what little humidity we do put in the air, right up. I blow my nose? Blood. I’ve had more nosebleeds here than I’ve ever had in my life.

Also? I like to sleep in a t-shirt and undies with nothing covering my legs or feet. But in order for my skin to stay hydrated, I’m having to sleep with socks on, pj bottoms on, and wear my long sleeve pj tops. If I could tolerate a ski-mask to keep my face hydrated, I would. But I draw the line there.

My mother taught me that beauty is pain. Sure I might go to work with no make up or wet hair but I will not have flaky, dry skin. oohhhh no. I would surely die of pneumonia first.

Thank God for Amy, who took the time to go to Bath and Body Works earlier in the year and hooked me up with my shea butter and plumeria. (I know, can you believe Bath and Body Works doesn’t have an online store!?!) Love that girl.

And ANYONE who wants to do the same is certainly welcome. (I’m a filthy whore, who is not too proud to beg)

Nov 6

The little dog we’re dog-sitting? Is sooo fucking cute, it is nearly unbearable. He looks identical to an Ewok. He’s very very smart. He’s also pissing off my other pets. Last night, I gave Lucky some extra snuggle time and re-assured him he was still “top dog” of the Correll household.

Have I mentioned how cold it’s been here? -10 on most days. And last night, we got more snow. I can’t believe I ever hated winter.

We have decided to entertain for Thanksgiving this year. It will be a first for us. We are normally invited somewhere or when we’re actually back in NC, we usually do the whole family thing. But this year? We’re pulling out all stops and throwing on a spread. I just ordered a Honeybaked ham from THE actual Honey baked ham store. My GOD, the prices of designer pork. I guess Tess was right. I am a brand whore.

We’re also cooking a turkey and I’m going to make a fancy stuffing and attempt my Challah bread again this year. And OF COURSE there will be lots of good wine. No Thanksgiving hosted by myself would seem right without alcohol.

Speaking of alcohol. My Cosmos were awesome last night. At least that’s what the vodka was yelling from my glass. Which was not a tumbler but a wine glass. Hey, a girl’s gotta make due.

I also drunk dialed Kristen and Ben last night. Kristen and I had a great conversation as we always do. Then again, maybe that was also the vodka talking.

One more thing concerning my high functioning alcoholism: Last week, I wrote THE funniest guest post over at Tess’s site. It was full of wit, of sarcasm, of the most insane ramblings you’ve ever read. It was also MY VERY FIRST DRUNK POST! But what did I do? I pressed the “preview” button without saving the post first and LOST THE FUCKING POST! I then attempted to re-create it from memory and realized I only had one of those in me and gave some half-assed guest apology in lieu of said post. Some guest poster I am. But I’m giddy right now, because Tess has revealed that she has been drinking on this vacation and I’m just so proud.

Sick. I know. But I never claimed to be wholesome.

By the way, I miss her very much. Work is not the same without being able to pick up that phone and ignore customers so she and I can snark it up. But I will say that my former boss stepped up the plate last week on the conference call and acknowledged that Tess has a very difficult job and we all needed to step up and make it easier on her. The redneck in me wanted to shout out, “HELL YEAH!” or a “DAMN RIGHT” but I refrained like a good girl. I’m glad she’s being acknowledged and they are realizing just how valuable she is to the company. So drink two for us, Tess! I LOVE YOU!

Nov 5

Would I be showing my redneck roots if I actually mixed my cosmopolitan in a mason jar and drank it out of a glass tumbler?

Just curious.

Nov 4

Why do I even try? I mean, Lucky looked at me as I changed into my comfy pj’s and tucked myself under that comforter, sighed a contented sigh, and closed my eyes. He looked at me as if it to say “Nap? You’re taking a nap? Are you nuts, woman? You can’t take naps during the day! Someone will call you. Give it up lady. Don’t even get yourself psyched up.” But I ignored his plaintive stares and concentrated on sleep.

And of course, the phone rang.

It was Howard.

I asked him for a divorce.

He refused.

Then he asked me if I remembered that time we told Nick that we would dog sit for him anytime?

I feigned a bad memory.

He didn’t buy it.

FUCKER!

Short story long, he asked me if it was okay to keep Nick’s little Schnoodle (I swear it’s an actual breed between a poodle and a schnauzer) because his apartment’s heating is on the blink and the bed and breakfast (where he’s staying while they fly someone out to fix the heat) doesn’t allow pets.

Of course I agreed. Because no matter if I’m in pain and might die from a bad allergic reaction (the drama, it never ends does it not?), nevermind EVER catch up on my sleep, I can’t resist a cute, squishy little puppy.

So, he’s here terrorizing the dog and he’s just discovered the cat. Which is pretty hilarious because you KNOW you have an old, lazy cat when she just hisses and growls from her position on top of a suitcase, but never actually gets up. She just lies there hissing and growling with her paws tucked up under her chest lying in a little ball. In fact, when she hisses and growls, she looks at him like “Hey little rat dog, if I actually HAVE to get up? I will shred you to bits, now go and fuck off.”

Why have we not brought a puppy into this house sooner? The entertainment value alone could save me a ton in cable bills.

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