Six Feet Under

Here it is, the post about how much I LOOOOOVE SFU and the fact that the new season has begun.

I was talking to Tess last week about how during the premiere, I was almost disappointed that nothing wacky had happened short of Brenda’s miscarriage/wedding, until Ruth slapped Claire for taking a picture of George in a compromised state. Ah, the fun of dysFUNction.

Is it sick that I identify with it so much? Or enjoy watching it (in a fictional capacity of course)?

I know it’s why I love the show like I do. The fact that I can identify with Brenda’s character so much scares me but comforts me.

I’ve done bad thing that I think I’ll always be punished for. I’m scared of being completely happy. I feel selfish for even wanting to be happy. Having problems is more comfortable for me. I often create problems in order to make myself comfortable. I physically sit and allow myself a moment of bliss but it passes quickly. I cannot bring myself to be an optimist because I feel something is going to come in and take it away. Or that I’ll be punished for some delusional over-confidence. Therapy? Tried it. And it did work somewhat because if you think I’m bad now? You should have known me ten years ago. I’ve had the addictions too. Almost every one of them. Granted I do not have random sex with strangers, nor have I ever made a habit of it, most importantly since I’ve been married, BUT I identify with the drugs, the depression, the parents, and only I would be so lucky as to find out I’m pregnant only to miscarry the day of my wedding. And then berate and convince myself that I was being punished for past wrongdoings. Trust me, it happened, not on my wedding day, but I did sit in that cold gurney in a freezing room, hospital gown swathed around me, saying “you crazy bitch, this happened because you don’t deserve to have a baby.”) Okay, not only me. But lots of women.

But, like Brenda, I crave happiness, want a normal life. Want the happiness we see other people experiencing. And of course, take all the good things in my life for granted. The fact that I’m not homeless, I have money in the bank, food in my belly, and people who love me unconditionally.

Brenda is a fictional character but it is a work of genius that writers can create a character, write a story and bring it to life in such a way that it pulls the emotions right out of the ones who watch it. Makes people post rambles like this one.

Six Feet Under. Monday nights. HBO. 8PM. If you’re into that sort of thing.

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