White folk in ditches

Okay, if you’re a racial minority like I am right now, you can say things like that so shut it.

We have two new residents or actually temporary residents, in the village. We are sooo excited. You all know I just pounced on them, the minute they walked through the “kunnichuck” Or “vestibule” or if you’re Ben, “atrium”.

New White People: *dazed and bewildered*

Me: *come hither my children…come towards the white, er I mean light*

New White People: *instantly drawn to similar minority*

Me: HI! Where are ya’ll from?

New White People: We’re from Project Hope and-

Me: *interrupts* So, wanna have dinner?

New White People: Um sure, Freak! (not really but wasn’t that funny?)

Long story short, we have newbies in the village and they are awesome! Their names are Chris and Marissa and they are with Project Hope and Nuiqsut is their first experience in Alaska and they are from New York (EAST COAST RULES BABY!)

Howard, Ben, Kristen and myself are overjoyed at it all. So far, we’ve had dinner with them twice and plan on many more dinners while they are here. I think because Kristen, Ben and myself are so comfortable with each other, we’re probably pretty scary, but we sure had them in stitches. The four of us are also very loud and boisterous, they are more reserved. You think they just feel obligated? Oh my God, are we those people? I wonder if they left our house last night going “hooooweeee, we gotta charter a plane and fast”. Apparantly not, because we got invited over to their house next weekend. We ROCK.

And speaking of white people: (yes Ben I am broadcasting this story all over the internet, but don’t worry, it’s not that story, though, oh boy, my GOD, would that be funny?)

So our Ben has bought himself a dirt bike. He is so excited about said Dirt Bike, that he has contemplated sleeping outside with it to keep it safe from harm. So, last night after a very animated game of trivial pursuit and brownies and chili and cornbread and pineapple upside down cake, Ben, of course having driven his bike over to our house, asked Howard if it would be safe to drive across the tundra. Howard, being the daredevil he is, gives Ben his blessing, so we say our goodbyes, and listen as Ben cranks up his bike and drives away. A few minutes later, we hear an engine revving and Howard looks at me and says “I’ll bet you, Ben is stuck.”

Sure enough, we look out the window and Kristen is already back (smart girl drove the truck…on the road like a sane person) and she’s laughing (see why I love this girl?) because sure enough there is Ben, stuck behind our house in the marshy tundra. I took LOTS of pictures. Howard, came to his rescue and got him un-stuck, then instructed him to drive as fast as he could back toward the house so he could get back on the road to safe dry land.


Ben starts out okay with Kristen, myself and Howard cheering him on, telling him to “just go and don’t stop!” when we all realize that halfway between the tundra, our house and the road is a ditch.

A water-filled ditch.

Did I mention how fucking cold it is here?

yeah. Okay.

And did Kristen and I warn Ben of such a ditch? No.

And I’m not sure why. It was like watching in slow motion as Ben drove and drove and got closer and closer, Kristen and I standing mouths agape, paralyzed, as he drives into the ditch and his body keeps going but the bike splashes into the water. Okay, his body didn’t go far because the handle bars caught him.

And guess where they caught him? Yes, Kristen is now wondering if he just killed their children.

So, poor Ben is stuck knee-deep in the water, playing it off, acting like he’s not freezing his dead children off and as if the 300lb motorcycle isn’t completely resting on his leg.

I’m trying not to laugh and trying to play the concerned friend with phrases such as
“Oh God Ben, are you alright?” “Are you okay?” “Let me help you!”

Kristen and Howard have very well pissed themselves by this point, they are laughing so hard.

Luckily in the end, no one was harmed. As far as their children? Only time will tell.

Only after I knew he was okay, did I join in the pissfest. Lord, I’m still laughing and luckily Ben thought it was pretty funny too. Hey, I’m just happy the “PIMP” hat wasn’t harmed cause you know how I am about money.

One Response

  1. Anonymous Says:

    Are we just so much funnier in writing or is it just me? I laugh harder reading about it than I did at the moment it happened and I damn near pissed myself at the time! Maybe it’s a “had to be there” situation and if that’s the case, we have plenty of pictures to let everyone feel as if they were! Screw the whole “blonds have more fun”, it’s “White people have more fun…in the arctic!”

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