Jun 28

So tonight, I broke down and watched “The Pacifier” mainly because it has Vin Diesel in it and though I am currently infatuated with Gerard Butler? Vin will always be the consumate object of my affection.

And I must say it was…cute! I really didn’t think I could take him playing a “good guy” but frankly, he could have been playing a woman and I wouldn’t have noticed for this man is FINE AS HELL in khaki cargos and a tight white t-shirt. GOOD LAWD!

Of course, Howard and I heckled the shit out of the movie like we do all movies except for the REALLY REALLY good ones (think Mystery Science Theatre 3000), but I think he got sick of me saying “Now come over here and DO ME!” every time Vin had a scene with a grown woman. I’m sorry I just couldn’t help myself. I mean, it’s what I would say if he were standing in front of me with khaki cargos and a white t-shirt.

Alright fine, if he were standing in front of me at all.

And before you judge me? Vin is my “freebie” okay? We married/longtime committees all have a “freebie” and if you’re married/longtime committed, and don’t have one? Well you and your S.O. have a lot to talk about.

Jun 27

So apparantly, about 70 miles northeast of us on ANWR (yes, I know you are thinking, how the fuck north can it get where you are? well it does, so shut it) a couple in their 50s was (I took three years of Advanced English PLUS three Englishes in college, you would think I’d be certain of whether or not the appropriate word is “were” or “was” but I haven’t a clue right now)killed by a Grizzly over the weekend. They were camping out, took every precaution, put all their food in bear proof containers and the bear went straight for the couple. I pray they were asleep the entire time and never realized what hit them. Sssshhhh, don’t ruin it by saying they weren’t.

Anywho, guess who was thinking of going camping next weekend? And guess who isn’t now?

Nope, I shall make my S’mores by a campfire, play my guitar a while, or rather let Chris (New white person) play my guitar a while, stare at the fire until I get tired and then get in my truck and go home and sleep. No camping out on the tundra for Miss Chrissy. Oh no. Or Howard, Ben, Kristen, Chris or Marissa if I have anything to do with it.

Okay Funny Story coming up:

Tonight while watching Six Feet Under, Howard suddenly heard what he thought was Katie.

Howard: Oh my God, is that Katie?

Me: *mouth full of salad* Huh? Where?

Howard: Outside, oh my GOD, Katie is outside!

He and I both jump up and run to the window, frantically calling for Katie and then I hear the noise too and sure enough it sounds just like a cat meowing frantically. Actually it’s the meowing that sounds like a baby’s cry. You know the one I’m talking about.

Then out of the corner of my eye, I see Katie run out from under the kitchen table and down the hallway. We sigh in relief and decide it must be the kids playing down the street.

Then we hear it again! And Howard jumps back up to see if maybe there is an injured cat outside the window or at the front door, but sees nothing.

He sits back down on the couch and I suddenly realize that in the scene we’re watching, David and Keith have just picked up Keith’s boss’s cat at the vet and it is meowing.

We are officially dumbasses.

It was the fucking cat on the TV!

We laughed uncomfortably at our own stupidity.

I then told Howard I was blogging about it tonight. So there you go!

Yesterday it was so beautiful that we got together with Kristen, Ben, Marissa and Chris and cooked Hotdogs and Hamburgers over a campgrill and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. To a person outside of Alaska, it would have been chilly but let me tell you, 55 degrees? Is pure heaven folks. I ain’t lyin’. And today was a balmy 68, and the mosquitos are starting to bite, I swear it feels like 85 degrees. I lightly sweated all throughout the day. But do you hear any complaints? Not from this nutjob.

Also, Tess? I’m sorry I rushed you off the phone ONCE AGAIN today but I so love hearing from you and you just make my whole day better. yes you certainly do. And I AM going to send you some pictures of Wrigley. He is soooooooo damn cute.

Jun 26

Have these guys ever made a bad song? Asking me would be biased, I promise.
This is for my favorite equation.
3×5=15. And you know who this is for.

The Space Between

You cannot quit me so quickly
There’s no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love

The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like ‘Will it rain today?’
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we’re playing

We’re strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold…

Look at us spinning out in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don’t take this ship down

The Space Between
Where you’re smiling high
Is where you’ll find me if I get to go
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I’ll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into…
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
‘Cause we’re walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here

The Space Between
What’s wrong and right
Is where you’ll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we’ll fill with time
The Space Between…

Jun 26

That whole Six Feet Under post? was totally all about Brenda, I know. Just letting you all know that I realize this….

When I’m not depressed anymore and not in the midst of an upcoming change, I will eventually post about what I’m supposed to be posting about. Mmkay?

Now leave me alone.

Jun 25

Last night was an incredible experience.

I’d heard about the Eskimo Blanket Toss in history class throughout my grammar and high school years. I never retained the origin of it, though I’m sure the teacher told us all why it was done at the time.

According to the former mayor of Nuiqsut, the origin of the blanket toss is as follows:
Hundreds of years ago, when the Natives set out for a whale, because of the breakup (whaling is done at Spring breakup and the Fall right before the big freeze), there would be huge ice floes that would block the view for the people on the land and in the boat. So before they set out on their journey, they would all gather around a blanket and toss someone up in the air so they could see out over the ocean and find the water spout of the whale and then determine the direction in which the boat should go. Now every year, they do the blanket toss and give thanks to the whale for sacrificing itself to the community. Whaling is still done, though there is a limit because obviously it isn’t something done out of necessity anymore.

We have two whaling captains in our village and they each have their own blanket toss and they still share their capture with every family. You all read about the last fiasco with the four of us, but this week, the Nukapigak family made sure we would be there and things would go as scheduled by simply starting earlier in the day. Lucy and Isaac, (the host family, Isaac is the captain)asked Kristen and I to help serve the Muktuk and we felt honored! We weren’t so sure until we got there, what, exactly we would be doing but we knew it involved handling the whale meat and giving it out to families. We were very nervous, and tired, Kristen just got her new puppy flown in, (for another blog, but he is adorable!)and well, we just had no idea what we were getting ourselves into.

We arrived (at the softball field, I know, we do have one) to find the Nukapigak’s waiting for us and found buckets of blocks of dark frozen meat. Along with a big chunk of whale sitting on a wooden block. We found out later the big chunk was the tail, and the fins were cut off and chopped up to be given out later. We were given rubber gloves and were assigned to an “experienced” partner. Grabbing one handle of the bucket and the “partner” grabbing the other, they led the way over to the bleachers where all the families were waiting. It wasn’t too terrible and the people seemed flattered that Kristen and I were willing to do such a thing. There were lots of “thank you’s.” and lots of “Chris, Kristen, are you having fun?” We actually were, though the meat had a less than pleasant odor and I couldn’t keep my hair out of my face due to the wind, the sun was shining and the people were happy and when in the world would I ever get to experience this or do this again in my lifetime? When our buckets were empty we would return to the serving table and wait for the next portion of whale to be doled out again. They gave out different sections of the whale and before each one, a member of the host family would get on the loud speaker and explain in Inupiat which portion would be given out next. Howard was assigned to camera duty and Ben was assigned to watch the puppy. By the time we the meat was given out, our gloves were covered with the oily consistency that comes from the whale, and dirty but we were in awe of the whole thing. We then switched gloves and gave out fruit and desserts also prepared by the host family. I gave out rice pudding with raisins, needless to say, I didn’t get very far before it was gone. Kristen gave out a “fruit stew” that was also gone in a short time. After everything was given out, the elders began cutting into the tail (sitting on the block). According to everyone there, the tail is, by far, the best part, and Tommy, the current mayor cut up a piece for all of us to try and well, whale is an acquired taste but we got through it, and I have to say out of the few times I’ve had Muktuk, it really was the best I’d eaten. We were then told that the families would break for an hour for dinner and to meet back at the field for the actual blanket toss.

Howard was suddenly bitten by the “oh my God, the fish are biting” bug and Ben of course, would NOT let Howard go without him, so Kristen and I decided to go back to my house and grab a bite to eat, and possibly wash the stench of Muktuk and dust out of our hair and hands. We all agreed to meet back at the house between 7:30 and 8:00. Upon entering the house, Kristen and I discovered that we REEKED of Muktuk. It’s hard to describe. It doesn’t really smell “fishy”, like one would think, even though whales are in fact mammals. It smelled more like burning rubber. Kristen left the puppy in my care and went back to her house to change clothes and I did the same at my house. She and the boys came back, (minus any fish), we all woofed down some pizza, then we all drove back over to the softball field.

Lucy and Isaac had been teasing Kristen about getting on the blanket, and she wasn’t sure she was actually going to do it, but once Lucy beckoned her over with a bag of candy to throw out to the kids (while being tossed on the blanket), she knew she couldn’t say “no.” She did a great job, for a first timer, but it looked scary as hell. People were bugging me to get on it but I stuck to my guns and avoided Lucy….I actually lied about having a bad knee. (Yes I realize I will now be cursed with such an affliction) Now, it’s not like me to turn down something as crazy as that, but Kristen assured me it was NOTHING like a trampoline and the landing is very hard, so I erred on the side of caution and stayed the hell off the thing. Of course, in hindsight, I wish I had, but Kristen did and we got video and pictures and that’s good enough for me. The technique is to look straight ahead and not look down, the blanket, (made out of walrus skin) is actually tethered by four ropes attached to cross bars firmly planted into the ground, the blanket itself is lined with rope handles for the people to hold onto and actually bounce the blanket. I was amazed at the agility of some of the jumpers but noticed that people that did actually look straight ahead, stayed on longer and jumped higher without incident. We eventually said our goodbyes and went home but took with us some incredible memories from the day, and Howard and I talked about how even though we complain about living in the artic and about my depression and his health problems, we should never forget why we got ourselves into this crazy adventure. It was for moments like yesterday, the things that very few people will ever see, or experience. The “Alaska” that no one hears about on the Discovery Channel, no one ever sees on a cruise, and even the people on the road system of Alaska know nothing about.

It takes days like yesterday to make us forget our problems, and remember just how lucky we are.

Jun 22

Here it is, the post about how much I LOOOOOVE SFU and the fact that the new season has begun.

I was talking to Tess last week about how during the premiere, I was almost disappointed that nothing wacky had happened short of Brenda’s miscarriage/wedding, until Ruth slapped Claire for taking a picture of George in a compromised state. Ah, the fun of dysFUNction.

Is it sick that I identify with it so much? Or enjoy watching it (in a fictional capacity of course)?

I know it’s why I love the show like I do. The fact that I can identify with Brenda’s character so much scares me but comforts me.

I’ve done bad thing that I think I’ll always be punished for. I’m scared of being completely happy. I feel selfish for even wanting to be happy. Having problems is more comfortable for me. I often create problems in order to make myself comfortable. I physically sit and allow myself a moment of bliss but it passes quickly. I cannot bring myself to be an optimist because I feel something is going to come in and take it away. Or that I’ll be punished for some delusional over-confidence. Therapy? Tried it. And it did work somewhat because if you think I’m bad now? You should have known me ten years ago. I’ve had the addictions too. Almost every one of them. Granted I do not have random sex with strangers, nor have I ever made a habit of it, most importantly since I’ve been married, BUT I identify with the drugs, the depression, the parents, and only I would be so lucky as to find out I’m pregnant only to miscarry the day of my wedding. And then berate and convince myself that I was being punished for past wrongdoings. Trust me, it happened, not on my wedding day, but I did sit in that cold gurney in a freezing room, hospital gown swathed around me, saying “you crazy bitch, this happened because you don’t deserve to have a baby.”) Okay, not only me. But lots of women.

But, like Brenda, I crave happiness, want a normal life. Want the happiness we see other people experiencing. And of course, take all the good things in my life for granted. The fact that I’m not homeless, I have money in the bank, food in my belly, and people who love me unconditionally.

Brenda is a fictional character but it is a work of genius that writers can create a character, write a story and bring it to life in such a way that it pulls the emotions right out of the ones who watch it. Makes people post rambles like this one.

Six Feet Under. Monday nights. HBO. 8PM. If you’re into that sort of thing.

Jun 20

Okay, if you’re a racial minority like I am right now, you can say things like that so shut it.

We have two new residents or actually temporary residents, in the village. We are sooo excited. You all know I just pounced on them, the minute they walked through the “kunnichuck” Or “vestibule” or if you’re Ben, “atrium”.

New White People: *dazed and bewildered*

Me: *come hither my children…come towards the white, er I mean light*

New White People: *instantly drawn to similar minority*

Me: HI! Where are ya’ll from?

New White People: We’re from Project Hope and-

Me: *interrupts* So, wanna have dinner?

New White People: Um sure, Freak! (not really but wasn’t that funny?)

Long story short, we have newbies in the village and they are awesome! Their names are Chris and Marissa and they are with Project Hope and Nuiqsut is their first experience in Alaska and they are from New York (EAST COAST RULES BABY!)

Howard, Ben, Kristen and myself are overjoyed at it all. So far, we’ve had dinner with them twice and plan on many more dinners while they are here. I think because Kristen, Ben and myself are so comfortable with each other, we’re probably pretty scary, but we sure had them in stitches. The four of us are also very loud and boisterous, they are more reserved. You think they just feel obligated? Oh my God, are we those people? I wonder if they left our house last night going “hooooweeee, we gotta charter a plane and fast”. Apparantly not, because we got invited over to their house next weekend. We ROCK.

And speaking of white people: (yes Ben I am broadcasting this story all over the internet, but don’t worry, it’s not that story, though, oh boy, my GOD, would that be funny?)

So our Ben has bought himself a dirt bike. He is so excited about said Dirt Bike, that he has contemplated sleeping outside with it to keep it safe from harm. So, last night after a very animated game of trivial pursuit and brownies and chili and cornbread and pineapple upside down cake, Ben, of course having driven his bike over to our house, asked Howard if it would be safe to drive across the tundra. Howard, being the daredevil he is, gives Ben his blessing, so we say our goodbyes, and listen as Ben cranks up his bike and drives away. A few minutes later, we hear an engine revving and Howard looks at me and says “I’ll bet you, Ben is stuck.”

Sure enough, we look out the window and Kristen is already back (smart girl drove the truck…on the road like a sane person) and she’s laughing (see why I love this girl?) because sure enough there is Ben, stuck behind our house in the marshy tundra. I took LOTS of pictures. Howard, came to his rescue and got him un-stuck, then instructed him to drive as fast as he could back toward the house so he could get back on the road to safe dry land.


Ben starts out okay with Kristen, myself and Howard cheering him on, telling him to “just go and don’t stop!” when we all realize that halfway between the tundra, our house and the road is a ditch.

A water-filled ditch.

Did I mention how fucking cold it is here?

yeah. Okay.

And did Kristen and I warn Ben of such a ditch? No.

And I’m not sure why. It was like watching in slow motion as Ben drove and drove and got closer and closer, Kristen and I standing mouths agape, paralyzed, as he drives into the ditch and his body keeps going but the bike splashes into the water. Okay, his body didn’t go far because the handle bars caught him.

And guess where they caught him? Yes, Kristen is now wondering if he just killed their children.

So, poor Ben is stuck knee-deep in the water, playing it off, acting like he’s not freezing his dead children off and as if the 300lb motorcycle isn’t completely resting on his leg.

I’m trying not to laugh and trying to play the concerned friend with phrases such as
“Oh God Ben, are you alright?” “Are you okay?” “Let me help you!”

Kristen and Howard have very well pissed themselves by this point, they are laughing so hard.

Luckily in the end, no one was harmed. As far as their children? Only time will tell.

Only after I knew he was okay, did I join in the pissfest. Lord, I’m still laughing and luckily Ben thought it was pretty funny too. Hey, I’m just happy the “PIMP” hat wasn’t harmed cause you know how I am about money.

Jun 19


Wherever you rest, you are with me every day. With a grandfather like you, I never needed anyone else. I love you, I miss you, and because of you, I can love myself. This is for you.

And Happy Father’s Day to every father who has the courage to stay.

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again

“You were once
my one companion . . .
you were all
that mattered . . .
You were once
a friend and father -
then my world
was shattered . . .
Wishing you were
somehow here again . . .
wishing you were
somehow near . . .
Sometimes it seemed
if I just dreamed,
somehow you would
be here . . .
Wishing I could
hear your voice again . . .
knowing that I
never would . . .
Dreaming of you
helped me to do
all that you dreamed
I could . . .
Passing bells
and sculpted angels,
cold and monumental,
seem, for you,
the wrong companions -
you were warm and gentle . . .
Too many years
fighting back tears . . .
Why can’t the past
just die . . .?
Wishing you were
somehow here again . . .
knowing we must
say goodbye . . .
Try to forgive . . .
teach me to live . . .
give me the strength
to try . . .
No more memories,
no more silent tears . . .
No more gazing across
the wasted years . . .
Help me say

Jun 16

…yeah right.

Tonight, we even closed the store early because this is all that was talked about for two solid weeks. We were so excited too. We charged up the video camera, and the digital camera and arrived just a bit after 6:00pm.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited…

Until nearly 9:00pm.

Now, don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t like we showed up and nothing was going on, there were lots of people there, everyone was eating Muktuk (whale) and other food indigenous to the area. But mostly everyone was waiting too. They made a few announcements in Inupiat, so we had no idea what they were saying, and then everyone packed up their stuff and left. A young boy did come by, and tell us that the kids would begin warming up the blanket and stretching it out and the adults would be back in about “15 or 20 minutes”. 15 or 20 stretched into an hour and we finally gave up and left because “HELLO!” we have to be at work bright and early and none of us had eaten yet.

However, we did have a good time during those three hours of waiting. Ben and Kristen met us there and since it was freezing outside (the warm weather is teasing us yet again), we all decided to wait in the trucks. Of course, Howard and Ben, being the Conjoined twins they are, switched trucks so they could sit and talk and Kristen crawled in our truck so she and I could sit and talk. We made faces at the boys and talked about everything under the sun, realizing we have sooooo much more in common than we thought. We made fun of the people coming and going and laughed a lot. But the funniest moment was when, while sitting in the car, the most annoying child in the village came running up to the truck and started pounding on the window. And you know what we did?

We ignored her. Blatantly ignored her. She was knocking on my side of the truck and Kristen and I were laughing hysterically, completely pretending she wasn’t there and BANGING on the window. Here’s how it went:

*Annoying knocking*

Kristen: Oh God, don’t look now but it’s “Sally”

Me: Really? I’m not turning around.

Kristen: Let’s just totally ignore her! (however the idea to ignore was totally mutual, so don’t think Kristen is a heartless wench, cause she’s not)

Me: Shit, lean over and act like we’re talking to the boys in the truck.

Kristen: *laughing hysterically but not acknowledging child*

Me: *laughing hysterically and doing the same*

Kristen: We are such BITCHES, we are going to HELL!

Me: Here, turn up the radio. *realizes this is the North Slope, no radio signal*

Kristen: *tears in eyes, is laughing so hard*

Me: Okay, if I turn around and acknowlege her and then turn back around and go back to ignoring her, maybe she’ll go away.

Kristen: She can sooo hear us, I’m sure.

Me: Totally.

I then turned around and acted all surprised like “Oh, I didn’t even realize you were banging on the window!” and then turned back around and went back to ignoring her. Kristen then felt obligated to acknowlege her too and wave and pretend to want to take her picture with camera.

Kristen: Oh my God, guess what?

Me: What?

Kristen: She’s completely ignoring US now.

Me: I’m blogging about this tonight

Kristen and Me: *laugh hysterically nearly pissing ourselves*

You don’t think that’s funny? Well you should have been there. And you should live up on here on the slope where moments of insanity are common and heartless acts such as ignoring children are occasionally necessary to keep one occupied. And yes, we are still going straight to hell.

Jun 11

I was reading my copy of People magazine last night (yes I have a subscription, so shut it) and in the Book Review section I found an interesting one I’d like to read called, “Against Depression” by Peter D. Kramer. It said and I quote: “A psychiatrist and author of “Listening to Prozac”, Kramer presents a powerful argument against romanticizing (and thus tolerating) depression as ‘artistic’ or ’soulful’ rather than treating it as a disease.” First of all. Who the hell are those people who think it is “soulful” or “artistic”? Who are you psychos? Dealing with the disease (yes I agree that it is in fact, a disease) myself, I find that it is anything but. The days when your brain is so scrambled that you cry over not finding a mated sock, or you’re not sure if you can physically drag yourself out of bed? Those are dark days, my friends. If only depression were that easy. If only, we all had the luxury of actually choosing to be sad or happy. Because depression? doesn’t give you a choice. It rules your life and unless treated, will not go away easily. I’m interested in reading this one, because when I find out who thinks it’s “soulful” or “artistic”, I’m outing you, do you hear me? Right here on this blog, so watch out.

Howard ordered these new drinks from our produce department made from Bolthouse Farms. So far, I’ve had the Chai Tea and Orange Juice and Lord, are they good! I’ve just downed the entire liter of OJ and have a Chai waiting for me in the fridge. The Chai tastes a lot like Egg Nog, which I LOVE, but it has very little fat and lots of protein so I don’t have to feel so guilty for drinking it. Howard loves me, yes he does.

Earlier in the week, I found out that one of my favorite people back in our previous village was killed suddenly on Tuesday. I didn’t sleep that night and really, honestly, contemplated the fragility of life. One minute you’re getting a cup of coffee and telling someone good morning and the next minute, you’re dead. See this? is why my grandfather is the wisest man who ever lived. And more decisions were made about my life. I don’t want to waste another second not being happy or at least not trying to be. Current Depression not withstanding of course, which I am treating, so think of me ya’ll because the gloves are off.

You know, I’ve been living here in “hell or somewhere similar” for over three months now and have barely mentioned Kristen and Ben, who have been our lifeblood since we got here. They are the couple we are training (yes, scary…I realize this) and with whom we have formed a tight bond. They have become more than co-workers, they are friends, and I really don’t think…no. I KNOW we couldn’t have made it through these hellish past few months without them. Ben is practically a 21 year old version of Howard. They have the same sense of humor (sometimes Kristen and I think the same brain)and laugh a lot together. Kristen and I share the same tastes in music and own an almost identical music collection. I’m talking Rascal Flatts, Dixie Chicks, and Switchfoot, so you know I’m giving that girl some respect. We can talk freely with one another comfortably. Kristen once said “we don’t have to make an effort to be friends with you guys”, and she hit it dead on. We have dinner every Sunday, and spend a lot of our free time, hanging out with them. Though, at times, we’re forced to separate work from friendship, they are mature enough to understand it and know the difference. AND, Ben is the reason my computer is fixed so Ben? I am sorry it’s taken me three damn months to finally give credit where credit is due. You Pimp. (Ben thinks he’s a pimp, we often humor him and tell him it is so) I, in fact, bought Ben a cap while in Anchorage with “Pimpleton State PIMPS” emblazoned on the lid. Kristen is the cutest thing ever and has the personality to match. They will go far, those two, and have brought sunshine to many cloudy days So see? Good friends seem to be made no matter what the situation. What the hell have I been bitching about?

Howard was going to fly back on Friday but the airline screwed up his reservation so he’s stranded in Anchorage until Monday morning. Poor thing. Being left to his own devices in an actualy city with restaurants and movie theatres, Wal-Mart and Barnes and Noble. Oh the pain he must be feeling. But he swears it’s not near as fun without me so I feel just a wee bit sorry for him, but only a bit. I am, trying to live vicariously through him and am pleading with him to go out, have fun, drink lots of alcohol on my behalf and shop til he drops. Oh and I told him if he doesn’t catch at least one Salmon, to not even think about getting on that plane. He has two days to pull it off. We’ll see what happens.

Ya’ll the snow is almost all gone now, and I am glad to see that yes, there is green grass here, and there is actually a river under all that ice. I am happy to see it. Overjoyed. Sure, it’s only 45 degrees outside and overcast most days, but it’s June for God’s sake and I’m damn happy to see some signs of…dare I say it?…warmer weather. Thank you Lord in Heaven!

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