Apr 10

Last night after talking with a friend of mine, I burst into tears, and suddenly felt exhausted, and this time it actually entailed drowsiness. I was asleep before my head hit the pillow. Sure, I was up by 5:00am this morning but I got almost 5 straight hours of good, deep sleep! Yay for me!

Apr 9

Dear Mom,
It’s your birthday so prepare to be embarassed. I had this whole other blog all written out, but last night before I went to sleep, I began to think about it and thought I don’t say what I’m really feeling near enough, and I think you deserve so much more than silly humor..so here goes…
You had so many burdens on your shoulders when we were growing up, being a single mother with absolutely no support from your ex-husband, instead, having to co-depend on the government and your parents to ensure that your kids were fed and clothed. You worked so hard and so much of it went unnoticed. At times I get so busy blaming you for my own shortcomings, that I forget all the nights you cried silently wondering if you could make it through the next day, and who did you cry for? Mostly your children.
But you did make it mom. And Kim and I turned out fine.
I’ll never forget the moments you held me when I cried, when I wanted to take the easy way out, when I didn’t want to be held accountable for my actions, when you stood by me through my darkest moments and were never EVER ashamed of me. And still never are. Thank you for bringing me into this world, for putting up with a child who was very difficult to raise. We’ve been through so much together. There have been so many sad, angry moments but for every bad moment, there was a hug, a kiss, an “I love you”.
When I remember the bad days, when you were at your wits end, I always think of the good things about you:
Like, your laugh, your mother’s hands passed on to you, your father’s eyes passed on to you as well, your sense of humor, your understanding of my need to always be adventurous, your love for your grandchildren, the way you still tell people I’m your “baby”, how you always call to check on your mom even when neither of you see eye to eye. How you cried so openly when your dad died, reminding me that you are someone’s daughter too.
I am filled with joy that you’ve found such happiness in your life with the man of your dreams. The man you probably should have married the first time, even if it meant I wouldn’t be here now.
But all things have a purpose, mom, especially you. We don’t see each other or talk as much as we should, but it is nice to know that when I am at my lowest, my darkest, my absolute worst, you are there.
Happy Birthday and I hope you have many more.

Apr 9

I stole this from a lovely woman who stole it from several other people:

Last Cigarette: November 1995 and maybe a few drunken, stolen puffs here and there
Last Alcoholic Drink: Glass of red wine.
Last Car Ride: Today
Last Movie Seen in Theaters: Sideways
Last Movie Rented: Exorcist: The Beginning
Last Cuss Word Uttered: Starts with an “F” and ends in a “UCK”
Last Beverage Drank: Diet coke
Last Food Consumed: A handful of sour cream and cheese potato chips (shut up)
Last Time Showered: A few minutes ago
Last Phone Call: To Kristen at the store
Last Text Message: You are kidding right? In bush Alaska?
Last TV Show Watched: Trading Spaces
Last Shoes Worn: sneakers
Last CD Played: Tim McGraw Live Like You Were Dying
Last CD Bought: Summer of Sam soundtrack
Last Annoyance: Holy shit, I have to name one? Houses that cost waay too damn much.
Last Disappointment: That Spring isn’t here yet.
Last Thing Written: this
Last Word Spoken: “Bye”
Last IM: Topher
Last Weird Encounter:myself in the mirror this morning
Last Ice Cream Eaten: Ben and Jerry’s Uncanny Cashew
Last Time In Love: When my last nephew was born
Last Time Hugged: Tonight by the hubby
Last Shirt Worn: Hard Rock Cafe-Buenos Aires sweatshirt
Last Webpage Visited: The woman I stole this from
Last Thing Lost: My sanity? Wait, that was lost a long time ago
Last Regret: Jumping to crazy and false conclusions

Apr 9

So far today, I have read 4 blogs, of which I am a loyal reader, that entail pictures of Daffodils and spring blooms.

This makes me really sad because you know what I see outside my window? Snow, and more snow. And might I add, it is currently snowing even more.

Okay, I know I said I love winter but I’m starting to rethink that whole notion. Everyone keeps telling me that within a month or so, it will all be gone but I just won’t believe it until I see it. I mean, ya’ll. There is A LOT of snow around here. And with temperatures just above 0 degrees, it ain’t goin’ anywhere, anytime soon.

I crave that first morning when you wake up and know something is different, you can walk outside barefoot, the temperature is just right. Not too hot, not too cold. Smell the wildflowers just starting to blossom, feel a soft, warm breeze instead of a freezing blast of extreme cold, and feel something inside you turn over and begin again..almost as if a huge weight is being lifted. It’s like reassurance that all those dead things you saw wither and die last season, did in fact, resurrect. I only get that feeling about once a year and I look forward to it. One time? I even wrote about it to a friend and it brought him to tears. No kidding.

I’m beginning to relate to why there is so much depression in Alaska. I mean, last night, Lorraine Bracco was on TV giving a public service announcement and I wanted to cry because it was like she was lecturing me.

But no worries, this too shall pass. I have survived far worse in my lifetime and I will get up every morning with hope that, in fact, all this snow and gloom will be gone eventually.

In other ramblings, Amy sent me a fabulous package of Plumeria body lotion from Bath and Body Works. Plus the shea butter I wanted. You rock, Amy! Hey, if I can’t actually experience Spring? At least I can smell like it.

Apr 7

So, all this week we’ve had visitors from Anchorage (at work, not home..well actually both because they have to stay with us….), trying to help cull through the mess we practically parachuted into.

So my old boss, old as in, he was recently promoted and I now have a new boss, calls the store and I answer the phone at 8:00am with:

“Good afternoon, (censored due to privacy)”

“Hey Chris, what time zone are you in?”

“Yeesh, must still be on East Coast time. Hey…you know the whole gravity, magnetic pull of the North Slope is making me crazy, don’t you?”

“(he laughs)”

“(silence from my end)”

And after that long silence…he stammered a bit and quickly asked for the person he was calling for.

Is it sick that I take pleasure in such things? I’m telling you, this god damned insomnia is driving me mad.

More mad than I already am.

Insomnia+existing questionable mental health+Earth’s magnetic pull due to being so far north=one crazy ass bitch apparantly living on East Coast time.

Apr 2

Once again…Rascal Flatts has managed to take my feelings (on this particular day at least) and put them to song…

(Plus? I really need to clean my house and don’t have anything to ramble about)

Enjoy. And if you have time, go to the website and give them a listen.

“Feels Like Today” Lyrics

I woke up this morning
With this feeling inside me, that I can’t explain
Like a weight that I’ve carried, been carried away, away
But I know something is coming
I don’t know what it is
But I know it’s amazing, can save me my time is coming
I’ll find my way out
Of this longest drought

And it feels like today, I know
It feels like today, I’m sure
It’s the one thing that’s missing
The one thing I’m wishing
The last sacred blessing
And hey, feels like today
Feels like today

You treat life like a picture
But it’s not a moment that’s frozen in time
It’s not gonna wait till you make up your mind, at all
So while this storm is breaking
While there’s light at the end of the tunnel
You keep running towards it
Releasing the pressure that’s your heartache
Soon this dam will break

And it feels like today, I know
Feels like today, I’m sure
It’s the one thing that’s missing
The one thing you’re wishing
The last sacred blessing and hey
Feels like today
Feels like today

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