Apr 28

(In my best southern drawl) OH MY GOD YA’LL, today I got the same question twice, want to know what it was?

customer:”Do you have $7 calling cards?”

Me:”No, but we have $35 calling cards.”

customer:”How much are they?”

Me:*Blank stare and blinks* “Um…$35 dollars?”

I am also very excited because it has been well above zero for over a week now. I could just squeal, and in fact, have. The high today was 36 and for up here? That’s is f*cking awesome! The snow’s a meltin’ and I’m hoping it helps my depression.

We’re also getting 23 hours of daylight already. Howard put aluminum foil on our bedroom windows and now we look like we live in a crackhouse but do you see concern here? Um no.

The village is having a big spring festival over the weekend and Howard and I were asked to be judges in a few of the contests, so that was flattering considering we were convinced about 90 percent of the people here hate our guts. They’ve probably got something sinister planned or that could be my depression talking. Meh, who knows?

My favorite village elder grabbed me today, gave me a big hug and kiss on the cheek and asked me if I’d teach him to dance at the festival this weekend (they hire a band out of Fairbanks to play), I told him yes and kissed his cheek right back. I love sweet people like that. Makes me miss the south, it really does.

And last but not least I found my first f*cking grey hair. Okay, I lied it was my second. In a week. I must get out of this hellhole and soon. Place is making me crazy.

Apr 26

Stolen once again, from Amy. (Shut up, it’s an unwritten rule of blog that you can steal from other people’s blogs, so long as you let them know give them credit) (And also because I have no inspiration right now, that doesn’t involve ripping off someone’s head)

Enjoy!

1. YOUR PORN STAR NAME: Brownie Pausanna
(Name of first pet / Street where you live)

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: Peanuts Ray
(Name of your favorite snack food / Grandfather’s first name)

3. YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME: McCain King and I
(First word you see on your left / Favorite restaurant)

4. EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS: Curry Buenos Aires
(Favorite Spice / Last Foreign Vacation Spot)

5. SOCIALITE ALIAS: Pooker Vale
(Silliest Childhood Nickname / Town Where You First Partied)

6. “FLY GIRL/BOY” ALIAS: C. Cor
(First Initial / First Two or Three Letters of your Last Name)

7. ICON ALIAS: Katie Olive Oil
(Something Sweet Within Sight / Any Liquid in Your Kitchen)

8. DETECTIVE ALIAS: Polar Bear South Caldwell
(Favorite Baby Animal / Where You Went to High School)

9. BARFLY ALIAS: Beef Jerky Singapore Sling
(Last Snack Food You Ate / Your Favorite Alcoholic Drink)

10. SOAP OPERA ALIAS: Renee Snowcreek
(Middle Name / Street Where You First Lived)

11. ROCK STAR ALIAS: Snickers Matthews
(Favorite Candy / Last Name Of Favorite Musician)

12. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: Chcor Mahick
( First 2 letters of your first name and the first 3 Letters from your last name makes your first name. Take the first 2 letters of your mother’s maiden name and the first 3 letters of the city you were born in for your last name)

Amy says “Play along too :D

Apr 24

Remember the whole post about books stolen from Chris and Amy? And remember when I was all pissy and up in the air about how Oprah finally put her seal of approval on “The Good Earth?”, well this is why I feel like I do. Jennifer says it all.

Apr 23

Yesterday at work, in spite of my “new attitude” and motivation, I had this nagging headache, that I knew for sure, would cause major psychosis (ie: reaching over the counter and bitchslapping mean customers) if I didn’t take something and fast.

Don’t ask me why, when I’ve been living in the bush for two and half years, I would balk at the price of Tylenol on our shelf, but by god, I surely did. I then went in search of something in our haphazardly thrown together First Aid Kit, you know, something free and would take care of headaches.

The only thing I found was a lone bottle of Pamprin. Now, we all know that Pamprin’s plug is that it does wonders for Menstrual cramps (dude, did I just say menstrual?). Being without cramps but much head ache, I read the indication: “Uses for the temporary relief of these symptoms associated with menstrual periods: cramps, headaches, bloating, backaches, water weight gain, muscular aches, irritability.”

I figure this here Pamprin should do the job and promptly down two “as directed” and pray that they kick in fast.

20 minutes later, they kicked in. And kept on kicking. Let me just say right now. I haven’t felt that high in a looong time. When I had a penchant for things like Vicoden, Purcoset, Darvoset, etc. (which I don’t now, so calm down) I was stoned, ya’ll. I don’t know any other way to put it. I was also VERY uncomfortable, because I was WORKING! WITH THE GENERAL PUBLIC! CASHING BIG PAYROLL CHECKS! COUNTING MONEY! Not to mention the fact that I haven’t been stoned in a VERY VERY long time.

I was also very paranoid. I confided to Howard that I was “stoned out of my mind”, and he just laughed at me before doing a double take and saying “Holy shit, really?”

“Um no brainchild, I just say random things like that all the time.”

I went to the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face and went back to work, trying to act sober (second to childbirth, I don’t think there is anything more physically challenging than trying to act sober). Kristen, one half of the couple we are training, asked if I was feeling okay and I then confided to her about the effects of Pamprin. She laughed and looked sympathetic then asked “hey, I think I need a couple myself.” I, being my paranoid self said “NO! We only need one stoner here today.” to which she replied “Chris, I was kidding.”

Pamprin ya’ll. And I promise the two pills I took had “PAMPRIN” clearly marked on them. Might I remind you this is also an OTC drug? Maybe it’s just me. If that is the case? Keep the Pamprin far far from me.

Apr 23

This will become a somewhat regular thing, and if you don’t like it, then don’t read my blog.
Song of the day is “Wide Open Spaces” by the Dixie Chicks. And if you base your love of their music on your political beliefs, well, you’re just “ig’nant”. I am, have always been, will always be a fan of these girls.
Enjoy!

Wide Open Spaces

Who doesn’t know what I’m talking about?
Who’s never left home, who’s never struck out?
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

Many precede and many will follow
A young girl’s dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out west
But what it holds for her, she hasn’t yet guessed

She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the highest stakes

She travelled this road as a child
Wide eyed and grinning, she never tired
But now she won’t be coming back with the rest
If these are life’s lessons, she’ll take this test

She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the highest stakes

As her folks drive away, her dad yells, ‘Check the oil!’
Mom stares out the window and says, ‘I’m leaving my girl’
She says, It didn’t seem like that long ago
When she stood there and let her own folks know

She needed, wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needed, new faces
She knows the highest stakes

Apr 21

First of all…I have some awesome blog buddies. And I don’t type that term lightly. Some of them, I have the good fortune to have actually met. You all rock my world, so much, thank you.

Second of all…a lot of this week has entailed long talks on the couch with Howard, me curled up with my head in his lap, him stroking my hair, sometimes me crying, sometimes the whole talking thing escalating into an argument, sometimes escalating into…well, I’m a lady (at least on this here blog). But…we have made some definite decisions about our future and you know what? So far, there has been a lot less crying, and I’m still getting my hair stroked! I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I go to work with renewed motivation, I smile more, laugh much harder and take a lot less things to heart.

I’m absolutely giddy, ya’ll. You have no idea. Absolution is a beautiful thing.

Apr 18

This was hilarious…it’s amazing how you see yourself compared to others. Stolen from Amy, enjoy! (Noice how that Romantic, Female Cliche and Food Indulgent are my highest score. Makes me sound like I’m a f*cking Cathy comic. Yeesh. But fun nonetheless.)

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion 70%
Stability 43%
Orderliness 43%
Empathy 50%
Interdependence 36%
Intellectual 43%
Mystical 56%
Artistic 63%
Religious 76%
Hedonism 36%
Materialism 56%
Narcissism 56%
Adventurousness 76%
Work ethic 63%
Self absorbed 43%
Conflict seeking 23%
Need to dominate 36%
Romantic 90%
Avoidant 43%
Anti-authority 70%
Wealth 16%
Dependency 36%
Change averse 23%
Cautiousness 56%
Individuality 63%
Sexuality 50%
Peter pan complex 23%
Physical security 76%
Food indulgent 90%
Histrionic 10%
Paranoia 56%
Vanity 30%
Hypersensitivity 30%
Female cliche 83%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Apr 17

Apparantly, my beautiful state had not one earthquake but two. But how do I find out these things?

CNN? No.
Yahoo? Wrong again, dudes.

By reading my good friend’s blog, that’s how. Pathetic? Just a bit.

Today, I’ve managed to sleep, eat brunch around noon…and though I did sit on the couch with the hubby and the dog and while petting the dog, did indeed ask him if mommy washing the dishes and then giving him a bath sounded like a good idea? I didn’t do any of that shit. I got up off my ass, immediately felt all sleepy from the yummy brunch Howard cooked and announced that I was going to take a nap.

A nap, even though I only woke up like an hour before.

I then, grabbed my headphones, put in my Kimberley Locke cd, crawled between expensive high thread count sheets, and crashed for like three more hours.

And I would have slept longer if Howard hadn’t woke me up asking if I wanted to go to the oil fields and have free prime rib.

Free. Prime. Rib. Um, yeah I got up.

So after gorging myself, here I am, back in my pajamas and getting awfully sleepy.

Yep, I think depression is rearing its ugly head. Dr? Write me a prescription for Prozac. TV? consists mainly of SFU reruns and DVDs. I can barely tell you the pope died and that was like what? a week ago? (What’s with all my question marks anyway?)

In other rambles, I did finish “Dry” finally and loved it and I also found out that they are making a movie from “Running With Scissors”. I am dying to know who will play the part of “Poo” and the psychiatrist. I read “RWS” in the fall of 2003, right before we moved to our previous village and thought that making it into a movie would be damn near impossible. I don’t know, but I’m betting the movie is going to bomb. I’m just sayin’. Well I must go, there are dishes to be washed and a dog to be bathed and apparantly more sleep to be gotten.

The next time I complain of insomnia on this blog? Remind me of this here little ramble, will ya?

Apr 12

Today was probably my best day since we moved here.

To tell you the truth? I’ve been so stressed since moving. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for over a month. Been afraid to unpack boxes, even. I dare even say it. I was beginning to think (and haven’t completely ruled it out yet) that maybe my insanity wasn’t so funny anymore and that I was dropping into a mild depression.

But today something changed a bit. And it was mainly because three different people made me feel special. Aside from Howard who usually goes out of his way to make me feel special everyday but you know…is it really because he feels that way or is it because he’s just trying to keep me from going over the deep end? I’ll ponder that later.

Anywho.

There is one elder here who just brightens my day because he’s always friendly and often makes kissy faces at me to make me laugh. So today he calls me and says:

“Sweetheart, did you guys get any Diet Coke?”

“No Joeb (that’s his name by the way), we sure didn’t.”

“Well can you call me when it comes in?”

“I sure can.”

“I love you.”

“Um well honey I love you too!”

And then tonight as I was locking up, another customer named Conrad who’s maybe about Howard’s age and one of the nicest guys we’ve met so far, was leaving and being the super polite professional that I am said:

“Bye Conrad, have a good night”

To which he replied:

“Bye Beautiful, you too!”

Two in one day? I was already lighter on my feet. Then.

About five minutes later, a local named Doreen called and asked if I could come to the door and get something warm if she drove it over.

I told her I certainly could and a few minutes later (we all live within a mile of each other, what do you expect from an isolated village?) she arrived with hot, fried doughboys with raisins in them.
I thanked her profusely and she said:

“You deserve it, you guys work so hard!”

Three ya’ll. I am walkin’ on air. Maybe tonight I’ll unpack just one box to celebrate. We’ll see.

Apr 11

You know, I was just sitting here wondering what to type when my dog walked in the room, stood in the doorway waiting for me to acknowledge him and upon my “Hey baby…” came bounding in the room like he was saying “You like me! You really really like me!” Then like the angel he is, he promptly plopped himself at my feet and will patiently wait here until I decide to get up off my ass and walk him. Jennifer Weiner says every good writer needs a dog because they are the biggest inspiration. And three best sellers can’t be wrong now, can they?

I’ve had Lucky for nearly 12 years. He is a Boston Terrier mix. I remember the day I brought him home, all muddy and scared (the dog, not me), completely terrified from the hour long car ride from Hickory to Charlotte (where we lived at the time). At nine months, he’d already seen a lot of hard times and I couldn’t NOT take him even though I intended on another younger puppy. Hence the name, Lucky. After my mom and I bathed him and washed all the dirt from his coat, he gleamed but was still wary and wasn’t about to trust these two crazy ass women who’d just plucked him from his dog lot, shoved him in a pet carrier then tried to drown him in this thing called a “bathtub”. He retreated to a corner and for the next 24 hours, when he wasn’t in the corner shaking like he had Bell’s palsy, he was crapping all over the house. Howard was out of town, mom had long gone back to Hickory and I was all alone with this dog. It overwhelmed me and I sat down and had a good cry. I don’t know what it was about the tears but Lucky could not handle it and promptly hopped up on the couch next to me and began licking my arm furiously and gazing up into my eyes like “hey whoa, I’m sorry…I didn’t realize you actually WANT to love me and take care of me.” I wrapped him in my arms and he’s been a mama’s boy ever since. And the whole crying issue? still tears him to shreds. I so much as sniff and he’s a nervous wreck, getting in my face, licking me, making sure I’m okay. Sometimes when I’m feeling like a cruel bitch, and I’m jealous when he’s giving all his love to his daddy, I’ll pretend like I’m crying and it usually works. However, with his age comes more wisdom and he’s beginning to catch on.

To know my Lucky dog is to love my Lucky dog. Everyone who meets him melts. Tess? only met him once but knew how sweet he was just by looking at him and still asks about him often. Kathleen and Norman, the people who took over our store in our previous village, fell in love with him just the few short days we all lived together before Howard and I left for “hell or somewhere similar.” Just the other day, she said she actually missed him and his “soulful eyes”. Let me tell you, Lucky dog knows how to work the eyes ya’ll. Ask anyone who’s met him.

Upon our return from the month long vacation, he actually didn’t recognize me but as soon as I began talking to him, he knew instantly who I was and began hopping around and yapping, so happy to see that his family hadn’t truly abandoned him. We agreed that never would we leave our animals for that long again.

Every night now, Howard and I devote at least 20 minutes in bed to Lucky Dog. We tuck him in between us and pet his silky fur and talk to him, he looks alternately at both of us with the most content look on his face, milking it for all it’s worth, then he’ll eventually scoot to the bottom of the bed and curl up in a little ball between my feet and breathe a relaxing, sleepy sigh. Oh and he snores.

Just before we made it to “hell or somewhere similar”, we found out that Lucky has a heart murmur (I wept right there in the doctor’s office, by the way) and will probably only last about two more years. 14 years isn’t bad but I promise you when that little man goes? A huge part of me will go with him.

He’s moved seven different times with us, taken more plane rides than he really cares for, seen me through some major meltdowns and a near collapse of mommy and daddy’s marriage, but he’s also ran on the sand of the Bering Sea coast, and the Atlantic Ocean coast, met many many people from many walks of life and though he’s in the sunset of his own, we’ve no doubt he will continue to touch people’s lives….and wise up to mom’s old tricks.

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