Dec 14

In a moment of major psychosis, while watching The Amazing Race I almost found myself “won over” by Jonathan’s “restraint” and dare-I-say almost calm demeanor the last episode and a half.

I mean, my inner “Anne Frank” was starting to actually root for him and Victoria, in believing that “deep down all people are generally good” or something like that.

Well, I snapped right out of it the moment that em-effer shoved Victoria right before they stepped on the mat at the Pit Stop. Why did I ever doubt Jonathan? He can always be depended on to show his true colors and lose his cool and conveniently shift the blame to Victoria whenever they fail at a challenge. And it was 2nd place, which is f*cking huge, people, seriously.

I think even the delicious Phil was a little miffed at the whole scenario.

You know it doesn’t only take a trailer park, a can of Aqua net, pack of GPCs and a seriously foul mouth to make you “white trash”.

Yep, “white trash” comes in the form of Ferrari driving, Labrador owning, entrepreuners too.

Poor dog. I can only imagine how Jonathan talks to her. Yeesh.

Dec 14

So, remember when I was talking about the letter from the air carrier a few blogs ago?

Well long story short, the general manager flew to my village and sat down with us in my office and after about an hour, we all left happy and satisfied.

And yesterday? An envelope was hand-delivered with two round trip tickets anywhere the airline flies. I love me some free plane tickets! They are good for one year and I figure we’ll use them when we’re at our wits-end and need to get the hell out of here for a few days.

Okay so I know that’s practically everyday but we’re waiting until I really blow up and have a psychotic episode, going off on everyone in sight.

Then the tickets will be used for hiding from the VPSO (village public safety officer). And when I’m in a “wet” village? I’ll be too drunk to care about the ramifications of my “episode”.

Dec 13

So yesterday, Melanya and Alex came over to have breakfast and while our food was digesting, I took Melanya into the bedroom to show off my new Kuspuk made my by favorite lady here in the village. In the midst of the oogling, Melanya spots a white “Up and Downs” bag, hanging in closet.

Invetibly she asks: “What the hell is that?”

I hesitantly reply: “Well, it’s weird but somehow during our move from NC to AK, we mislabeled a box “To AK” instead of “To Storage”…and well when we unpacked, we found Howard’s Dress greens and this…which is..ahem…my dress from my junior prom…way back in 1991.”

She repies: “Oh My God, this I gotta see.”

So I delicately remove it from the hanging bag thingy and we oooh and aah at the shiny sequins and satin in this color of teal that, in hindsight, I’m wondering what sort of influence I was under to pick such a ghastly color. We get a good chuckle and then Melanya says:

“Oh no, I’m gonna try it on…this is gonna be hilarious.”

And it was. I was guffawing! And it takes a lot for me to guffaw. Oh my Lord, it was funny. I even had the handless glove thingy’s to match the dress. The only thing missing was the shoes “dyed to match”. Howard and Alex nearly shat themselves and I dove for the camera. Melanya, ever the good sport, proudly posed for the cameras. THEN we laughed about it later over Lahtke’s and Challah bread in honor of Chanukah and other fattening foods like homemade pralines and (Zach’s! Holy hell are they good!) quesadillas. And I took pics of that too.

I then sent the pictures to my near and dear friends and thus far have recieved some hilarious comments…on the dress AND the holiday…and I present them to you now.

For the record, I really want to post the pics but my “Picasa” is not working for some reason and it won’t let me post the pics to the blog…but let me give you a visual:

Sequins. Mermaid cut. Big bow. lots of satin. Teal. Got it now? Enjoy the comments:

From Jason:

“Well cover me in green foil and call it a dress. That is hilarious. I bet you were hot shit in that get-up. I loved Eddie’s comment about a second tree–I don’t think that color of green even exists in nature. Ahhh, the beauty of synthetic fibers. I bet you probably got a polyester dress tucked away too.

I think you meant to bring that dress along. I bet Howard wears it in some weird, disco-loving fetish that he has!!!LOL”

And a story from Jen inspired by the holiday feast:

“So, this brings up a hilarious story that happened last week…
My friend Gail, who is a nutcase, says to someone we work with, happy
Chanukah (cha-nu-ka). Her husband is Jewish so I was assuming that the
particular day as Chanukah day.  
In the midst of our laughing about another funny, I pick up the phone
and proceed to say “Happy Cha-Nu-Ka.   How may I help you?”  My friend
is laughing and I continue my conversation with this government
official. 
As I hang up, my friend corrects my stupid southern no-knowing Jewish
ass that it’s still pronounced like Hanukah.  Oh what a good laugh.

If I get fired, it’s Gail’s fault.”

And? I really wanted to post Eddie’s email which was something like “Is that a dress or a second Christmas tree?” but in my sound ineptness, I deleted the email before I saved it.

I know, I have no life. But I have sequins! big bows! and teal satin! So shut it.

Dec 10

7:45am Alarm clock buzzes. Hubby and dog feel warm, want to sleep ten more minutes, want to hit snooze, remember Friday morning conference call at 8:00am. Must. Get. Up.

7:46am Fumble around the nightstand for glasses for I am blind without them. Ease out of bed. Reset alarm clock for 8:00am on the nose to wake up Howard.

7:47am Pee. Brush teeth. Wonder why the f*ck it’s so cold in here. Remember furnace is on blink. Bend down turn up small portable heater. There.

7:50am Let dog out to pee. Shuffle back to spare bedroom, fire up computer. Check email.

7:55am Let dog back in house. Pet dog. Talk to him, ask him dumb questions like “is it cold out there baby?” Get “you must be kidding right?” looks from dog.

8:00am-9:15am Dial up teleconference number on good phone. Wait. Aimlessly wander the web while half dozing/half listening to the same old drill I get every Friday morning. Sales from last week, projections for this week. Don’t do this, don’t do that. New stuff in order guide. Should be taking notes. Am not. Answer yes to all questions regarding whether or not stuff is actually finished. Chuckle at smartass comments made by non “ass-kissing, what the hell am I going to do if I lose my job” types. Chuckle quietly at funny weblog I stumbled across. Remember I am on teleconference. Play serious. Act like I am interested. Wait. Realize they can’t see me. Feel dumb. Keep surfing web. Will probably kick self when asked a direct question and can’t answer it. Escaped that, thank God. Realize it’s 9:15 and that I have ANOTHER teleconference at 9:30am. Holy shit, the access code and phone number I need are at the store! I haven’t showered! Present teleconference, luckily ends.

9:15am-9:29am Jump in shower. Throw on clothes. Run to store. Wet hair that freezes in such cold. Unbrushed. Whatever. it’s bush Alaska no one will care.

9:32am Dial into teleconference. Am actually out of breath when I announce my arrival. Am now paranoid that these people think I’ve been having sex at the office. Or that I am psycho heavy breather. Paranoia passes.

9:33am-10:00am Same drill. Wow, this break-room is really small. Bookkeeper should be kissing my ass that I’m letting her use my office to do the books. Why am I taking notes with red pen? Oh yeah. Should be listening. HEY! We have Cinnabon coffee! Ewww, how long has this sugar been in the cabinet? Damn glad am not clausterphobic. Oh yeah. conference call. blah blah blah.

10:00am End call. Head straight for chill case and for a Diet Mt. Dew. oh sh*t! No DMD! Settle for Diet Pepsi instead. Unlock front door and open for business. Say good morning to Howard. “Hey, aren’t you that guy who felt all warm and snuggly this morning??” Get perfunctory kiss and affectionate invitation to sit on his lap. I do. For a couple of seconds. Must get to work. Stop. Distracting. Me.

10:05am-12:00pm Work with Howard on resetting candy set that should have been finished a looong time ago. Candy is reset. Stand back, admire work. Realize the gazillion things I need to get done. Race around frantically, answer emails from the head office. Fax in commits. Man phone calls. “No, Susie isn’t in the store and this isn’t a public PHONE!”. Hang up. Assist store accountant in resolving mystery of what GL code I posted a check to and when the actual Misc. Cash In actually took place. Blah. Blah. Blah. Make nice nice with customers. Secretly make fun of some of them with Howard. Send bookkeeper to lunch.

12:00pm Begin to hang tags from monthly price changes. Holy shit. Is a lot of price changes. Take down old tag, replace with new one. Repeat. Over and over again until cross-eyed and have headache. Cash a few checks. Help a few customers. “No. You can’t go over your limit, sorry.”

1:00pm-2:00pm Bookkeeper returns from lunch. Realize I haven’t eaten anything all day. Am hungry. Decide to take my lunch break now. Buy something processed and loaded with fat because am too hungry to care. Walk down to house. Let dog out. Throw food into microwave. Let dog back in. Check email again. Answer emails. Check website guestbook. Wee!!! Have another message in guestbook! Feel special. Eat lunch. Feel guilty for all that fat. Hate self. Channel surf. Attempt to clean house just a bit before going back to work.

2:00pm Need to go to Post Office. Go. Forget to unplug truck. Oh shit! Howard is on back dock watching it all. Yells at me to stop. I get out of truck. Unplug. No harm done. Flippant wave to Howard. Go to Post Office, check mail. A Christmas card! Feel special, once again. Get company mail. Haul boxes out to truck.

2:10pm Pull up to store, solicit help from cashier for boxes. Park truck back at the house. Plug back in.

2:12pm-4:00pm Read mail. Sort important stuff from head office. Swear to get back to hanging tags. Don’t. Read hostile letter from airline carrier. Get pissed and defensive. Show letter to Howard who in turn, does the same. Sit down. Compose long email to boss. Insane email to boss. Do not send. Print out first. Take to Howard. Yes sounds too psychotic. Sit down, edit letter. Send. Go back to hanging tags, manning phone calls, helping customers, etc.

4:01pm-4:30pm Meet Howard in breakroom. Vent about airline carrier. Answer pages from front office staff. Run to front. Solve problem. Run back to breakroom to finish venting.

4:30pm-4:40pm Am still in breakroom. Bitch. Moan. Whine. Howard once again humors me. Am paged for phone call. Pick up line. Is boss. Oh shit! Wants me to fax him copy of letter. Is half heartedly listening to me. Doesn’t realize I hear the clickety clack of his fingers typing an email to someone else. Wants me to order two more dolls from Anne, our cashier. Who makes the most beautiful handmade dolls ever. Agree to do it. Hang up phone. Leave breakroom, go back to front. Help customers. blah. blah blah.

4:50pm oh shit! Forgot to fax letter. Need to seriously see someone about this apparant A-D-D. Fax letter. Shit! Forgot to send cover sheet. Screw it. Will call boss and tell him when it goes through. Do that.

4:50pm Should really get back to those tags. Oh! Need to fax in warranty form for Snowmachine sold last night. Sh*t! Not filled out all the way!

4:51pm-4:55pm Fill out form correctly. Curse Howard for leaving it up to me. Howard ignores. Fill out form in a flourish and fax in. Now. About those tags.

4:55pm Alex comes into store. Make chit-chat. Melanya calls to ask me to tell Alex to go get our food processor for the Latke’s she plans to make this weekend.

4:55pm to 5:05pm Guiltily chat it up with Melanya. She agrees to help wax the store floors this Sunday before the Chanukah/Survivor finale celebration. Will make vegetarian omelets! And waffles! Sunday morning, of course! Woo hoo! Am going to be so damn fat by Christmas.

5:05pm-6:00pm 5:00 crowd rushes in, store goes nuts. Name is called countless times. Assisting cashiers. Answering bookkeepers questions. “Yes you can take a cigarette break.” Misses smoking. Then remembers. Causes Cancer. Oh. Makes halfhearted attempt at hanging tags. Fails. Screw it. We’re closed.

6:00pm to 7:00pm Count down cash drawers. Balance books. Send bookkeeper home. Makes mental checklist of things that will need to be done tomorrow. Swears will get to those damn tags. Shuts out lights. Turns outside light on. Sighs of relief at going home. Knows secretly, nothing will get done tomorrow either. Will continue to procrastinate until forced to work frantically under pressure.

7:00pm-9:00pm Eat Ben and Jerry’s Uncanny Cashew for dinner and channel surf while Howard plays on computer. Brush teeth, kiss Howard goodnight. Crawl into crisp cool sheets. Reassure self that expensive high thread count sheets are so worth the money. Credit card bills be damned, this feels too good. Doze off. Wake up in panic mode. Insomnia ensues until Midnight.

Ah the joys of being me. You must be so jealous.

Dec 10

Oh GOD, this stuff is my new “crack.” I can’t believe I waited until NOW to try it. Howard and I had it for dessert three nights in a row this week. We bring it home, throw it in the freezer and let it get good and cold and slightly “slushy”. Damn. Is good. And fattening.

I slid into my favorite pair of jeans this morning….and noticed the waist is definitely more snug. I gotta cut out the Egg Nog. Like NOW.

AND, Melanya and Alex, our “foodies in crime”, aren’t helping either. We’ve discovered the joys of deep frying and we are doing it on every possible occasion. Last night, I made homemade tortilla chips courtesy of the deep fryer and Melanya got the idea to make Quesadillas (holy shit, my weakness, as you all know) with the remaining corn tortillas and cheese. She stuffed those puppies with mushrooms, onions and cheese and I also made my Mexican bean dip (made with lots of sour cream and cheese). We all sat in the floor and used the coffee table as our dinner table (even though we do have a perfectly good dinner table in the kitchen).

But it was Survivor night. You understand.

THEN we ended the meal with her effing cabbage salad with the homemade dressing concoction featured on our website. I think we all had a heaping plate of that. But…oh no…. we didn’t stop there.

I realized I had leftover cookie dough from Sunday night. We had to have it.

And while spooning the dough onto the cookie sheet, I was passing around bitefuls to eat right out of the package.

It was a night of indulgence, of gluttony. We should all have been harpooned and hung up to dry.

And guess what else we’re doing this weekend? Having the big Survivor finale with all our friends and I’m making Challah bread (will attempt to braid even!) and Melanya is making Latka’s in honor of Chanukah.

(I think we’re the only foursome who actually recognizes the holiday and celebrates it, but wee! Aren’t we special?! WHICH BY THE WAY, JEWISH SIDE OF THE FAMILY! HAPPY CHANUKAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Shameless, I’m telling you, shameless. BUT at least we forwent the Egg Nog. So, that’s a step in the right direction right? RIGHT?

Dec 9

Tuesday night, we received a knock at our door.

In the middle of the Amazing Race.

Damn!

Howard got up to answer it, hoping it was someone with a question about the store and could be shooed out quickly.

Turns out it was my favorite lady in the village…and God love her but at that particular time, I wasn’t exactly happy to have visitors.

It was The Amazing Race, people!

She held up a bag and said “I have something especially for you.”

Curious, I accepted the gift and pulled out a beautiful, handmade, Kuspuk. In my favorite shade of blue. I was speechless and feeling like shit for my previous thoughts. And? It fit perfectly. Not to big, not too small. I felt honored. I gave her a big hug and promised her I would wear it on Wednesday.

She left and Howard and I spent the rest of the evening, feeling like a couple of assholes.

So I wore it yesterday and recieved many compliments, even looks of respect that I (a prissy white girl) would actually wear such a thing. Turns out, it was really comfortable too.

My favorite lady was unable to get down to the store to see it on me, but her husband came by and told me I looked “beautiful”.

Said lady walks in almost everyday and yells out for all to hear: “HELLO BEAUTIFUL LADY!” or “HI MY FRIEND!” or “HI PRETTY GIRL!”. And she always calls Howard “Handsome!” She’s about 5 feet tall and is round and jolly and has this laugh that is so distinctive and so contagious. I just love her and she makes these dark, long days of winter seem sunny and warm. In fact, I’ve taken to yelling back at her: “HELLO SUNSHINE!”

Now, don’t you feel all warm and squishy inside?

Dec 8

….because I like to shock you and because I am uninspired. Someone please help me.

  1. I was born on October 11.
  2. My favorite flower is an Orchid
  3. I LOVE to dance.
  4. Love Latin salsa music
  5. Favorite book is “She’s Come Undone” by Wally Lamb
  6. Favorite movie is “Shy People”
  7. My dog’s name is Lucky and he is the equivalent to a well loved, highly spoiled child.
  8. My cat’s name is Katie and is the apple of Howard’s eye.
  9. I only have my ears pierced.
  10. I have two vehicles in storage back in NC, A candy apple red Chevy Blazer and a Black Jeep Wrangler (with all three tops). Miss them both very much.
  11. I’ve had my favorite pair of jeans for over ten years now.
  12. My favorite play is “Phantom of the Opera” and I am extremely upset that they are making it into a movie. (more on this later…and now feeling the inspiration)
  13. I am fiercely protective of my friends.
  14. I am fiercely protective of my family.
  15. Had breast reduction surgery.
  16. Lost a 3200 dollar engagement ring four months into the engagement.
  17. Never figured out how I lost it either.
  18. I love winter.
  19. I love snow.
  20. I believe it is very important to have a real Christmas tree every year if at all possible. (in which our case it isn’t, but have nice fake one and am learning to accept it)
  21. Believe in God.
  22. But have a “love/hate” relationship with him.
  23. Talk to him daily…oh sometimes I get downright bitchy with him.
  24. Have two nieces and two nephews. Blake, Tate, Brittney and Bradley.
  25. Have one sister.
  26. Look nothing like her.
  27. She has blonde hair and blue eyes.
  28. I have red hair and green blue eyes.
  29. Love her and miss her very much.
  30. Am English and Irish.
  31. Have had a miscarriage
  32. Have never suffered from frostbite, even in these extreme conditions.
  33. Believe in ghosts
  34. Believe in curses
  35. Have a priest buried in the backyard.
  36. In fact live on a former graveyard.
  37. Say “good morning” to the priest every morning.
  38. Believe he watches over the house.
  39. Am fascinated with Russian culture
  40. Love Chamomile Tea
  41. Love good wine
  42. Love Corona with Lime
  43. Live in a “dry” village, in which alcohol is completely banned. Possessing it will land you a felony and 30 days in jail, PLUS a fine.
  44. Wish it were different.
  45. In spite of living in the bush, love the finer things, love to dress up and feel beautiful.
  46. do the above whenever I get out of “the bush” which isn’t often.
  47. Absolutely HATE having my picture taken.
  48. Will spent obscene amounts of money just on bath and body products.
  49. …and shoes
  50. …and clothes
  51. ….and purses
  52. Still have things packed in boxes stacked in our bedroom.
  53. have lived in my current village for over a year now.
  54. Have lived in Alaska for almost two years.
  55. LOVE ALASKA and don’t plan to leave anytime soon.
  56. Do miss NC mountains.
  57. Do miss balmy days spent on the beach
  58. still wouldn’t trade it for this experience.
  59. LOVE my friends.
  60. Don’t usually hold a grudge. (depends on how serious the crime, however)
  61. Have this annoying habit of twisting my hair while in deep thought.
  62. Was formerly a fingernail biter.
  63. Sucked my thumb when I was a little girl.
  64. Had the same feather pillow from the time I was 12 up until three years ago, when it literally disintegrated and I quietly cried.
  65. Am very picky when it comes to bedding.
  66. Like to horse around and tickle anyone who is up for it.
  67. Had strawberry blond hair when I was small.
  68. My first tricycle is still stored at my grandparents house.
  69. Love passionate kisses and feel I don’t get them near enough.
  70. Lose things a lot.
  71. Currently am at a loss to where my keys are.
  72. Am just learning to cook really well.
  73. Am lucky enough to have a husband who cooks.
  74. Love eating out.
  75. Love to kiss babies on their pudgy little cheeks.
  76. Love babies in general and turn to mush when around them.
  77. babies usually like me too.
  78. Have a favorite child here in the village and spoil him when I can.
  79. Have a favorite adult customer here too.
  80. Really want to adopt an Eskimo baby.
  81. Fantasize about the people I hate being humbled in some way..
  82. some times even about being killed.
  83. Am evil
  84. Am given to psychotic episodes…(wait, think I mentioned that in my previous entry)
  85. Am moody
  86. Was a pretty good student in high school and college.
  87. Like to project a prim and proper image….but like to reveal myself in things like public blogs.
  88. Love a shower everyday.
  89. Once lived without running water for four months…and was starting to get used to it.
  90. hated every second of it.
  91. Am thankful for flush toilets and my fuctional shower.
  92. Dog and cat have have thrown up and peed on me.
  93. Never once got angry at them.
  94. Allow dog to sleep on $700 sheets.
  95. Actually paid that much for sheets.
  96. Allows dog to share pillow.
  97. Think dog is a human reincarnate
  98. Manipulate people when I want to.
  99. Am generally a pretty good friend.
  100. Contradict myself often.
Dec 7

Apparantly I’m this:
f bulb
You are a flourescent bulb. You are usually at
offices. You have to be special ordered from
the manufacturer.

What Kind Of Light Bulb Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Dec 6

Holy sh*t, Howard has his own blog now.

Dec 5

Another wonderful meal courtesy of Melanya (and Howard). Veggie eggrolls, stirfry with Shitake mushrooms over Basmati rice and Howard’s green bean casserole smothered in Portabellas. And you know what would have complimented the meal?

A big honking bottle of wine. Or a glass of wine, even just a capful of wine….

How many days until our vacation? I am so ordering an overpriced cocktail on the first plane offering it…and plan to stay pleasantly buzzed the entire length of our vacation.

Okay, maybe not the entire time, we’re staying at memaw’s for God’s sake and anything alcoholic, to her, is “the devil”.

I am so going to hell. I have a condo reserved in the trendy east bank of the lake of fire.

But the alcohol? makes all this a distant reality.

Okay, now I’m really going to hell.

Gotta go, I’m going to substitute the alcohol buzz with a sugar buzz via my home made oatmeal and butterscotch cookies. And YOU can’t have any.

This village bans sugar? I’m opening a vein.

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