Nov 29

Since all the other bloggers are doing it, I thought I would conform so here you go:

1. I love Diet Mountain Dew
2. I like Barry Manilow (unashamed!)
3. I like to jog to rap music.
4. I believe there is not nor will there ever be, a greater, wiser man than my grandfather, may he rest in peace.
5. I’ve been dying my hair the same color for ten years now. (Actually Howard dyes it)
6. I once dyed my hair black. (terrible idea)
7. My favorite color is any shade of blue.
8. I ADORE mexican food.
9. I love Bon Jovi. Then, now and forever.
10.I like to skinny dip.
11. I detest exercise but act like it’s the greatest thing in the world.
12. I hate how I look when naked.
13. I am modest. (in spite of previous fact)
14. I love dogs, big or small and cats too!
15. I gloat when I’m right.
16. Have been diagnosed with OCD. (Shocker!)
17. Am a hopeless romantic
18. Am spoiled by husband and extremely ungrateful.
19. Am easily susceptible to guilt trips.
20. Am not as close to my family as I should be.
21. Love solitude.
22. Have watched “Gone With The Wind” at least a hundred times.
23. Have every season of “Sex and The City” on DVD.
24. LOVED the teen movies of the eighties
25. Theatre is a huge passion of mine.
26. Love hanging with gay men. (Howard says I am a “gay magnet”)
27. Feel sorry for myself a lot.
28. Though I bitch about empty cardboard rollers on the tissue roller, have done it myself several times.
29. Nervous when flying.
30. Embelish for the sake of journalism and art.
31. Like expensive things.
32. LOVE pretentious looking SUVs.
33. Am quite shallow
34. Still cry while watching “Steel Magnolias” though I’ve seen it well over 200 times.
35. Cry over Hallmark commercials.
36. Cry for no reason.
37. Throw record breaking temper tantrums
38. Lie to people just to make them feel good.
39. Worry way too much about what people think of me.
40. Sing all the time, and a lot of the times, don’t realize.
41. Have a posthumous crush on Marvin Gaye
42. Once had an erotic dream involving Alice Cooper.
43. Yes I said Alice Cooper
44. Once had an erotic dream involving Prince.
45. Once left my dog outside in the cold for four hours because I simply forgot.
46. Then spent the next week coddling him and trying to make up for being such an idiot.
47. Though I long for a child, I love the freedom of not having children.
48. I have a wonderful relationship with my mother in law.
49. Once flashed truckers on I-85 with roommate from college. (Sorry Carla!…and mom!)
50. I once cheated on a test and copied the wrong answers and flunked it with flying colors. (that was the first and last time I ever did it)
51. Was a college “ambassador” before dropping out.
52. Love Escargot
53. Have tried Chitterlings….did not like them.
54. Once fell flat on my a** in the middle school gym in front of the entire student body. (they all clapped and I stood up, bowed and pretended not to be mortified)
55. Still friends with old boyfriends. (except for the psychotic ones)
56. Am a terrible penpal…and make the tired excuses that go with the territory
57. Like Britney Spears
58. Like Bluegrass hillbilly straight out of “Deliverance” country music.
59. Adored all the hair bands of the 80’s. Still listen to their music.
60. Obsessed with Dave Matthews Band. More with Dave Matthews.
61. Lust Vin Diesel.
62. Love big, muscular, could break me in two like a stick but usually are too noble and sweet to do such a thing, type of guys.
63. I would like to have 4 children.
63. Shoe size is 9.
64. Wear glasses and prefer them over contacts and have presbyopia (means I wear bifocals)
65. Obsessed with reading.
66. Favorite clothing colors are black, dark brown, and gray.
67. Love ugly, comfortable UGG boots.
68. Like red and orange skittles
69. Have a serious addiction to chocolate (a friend got me hooked on Godiva…and nothing compares to it now)
70. Have paid 45 dollars for a pound of Godiva chocolate……for no special occasion other than the fact that I had to have it.
71. Have eaten an entire pizza by myself.
72. Let people assume this gorgeous faux red hair is really my natural color when complimented.
73. Am just co-dependent enough to want everyone to like me.
74. Am nice to everyone I meet.
75. Am psycho bitch secretly.
76. Have broken expensive things while having psychotic episodes.
77. Use bad language far too often.
78. Am an insomniac
79. In spite of insomnia, love to get 8 consecutive hours of sleep.
80. ADORE my grandmother.
81. Wear the same shoe and ring size as my 13 year old niece.
82. Am jealous of happy, non-dysfunctional families
83. Am not in contact with my father. (I know these are supposed to be “fun”)
84. LOVE Janis Joplin
85. Sometimes love animals more than people.
86. Once walked all over Manhattan in heels for a whole day. (and lived to tell about it)
87. Do not know my biological father. (different from the “father” I am not in contact with)
88. Have laughed heartily at people who trip, stumble or fall. Though I myself do it often.
89. LOVE to laugh.
90. Love to act silly, goofy, for my own amusement and for others.
91. Sing and dance in the car and usually could care less about who is watching me.
92. Last year at our annual manager’s meeting, climbed on top of a “SOBE” beverage truck and screamed “I LOVE AC AND REALLY WANT OUR BUSINESS TO GROW!” for a Shrek DVD. I wanted it that bad.
93. Almost threw up when doing the above.
94. Did the above while stone sober.
95. Have cried on the job.
96. Love roller coasters
97. Have bungee jumped and F*cking loved it.
98. Have a secret language with husband.
99. Even if I got a divorce, would probably still want to hang out with Howard because aside from being a husband, he is one of my best friends.
100. And would still hang out with his family because frankly, they rock.

Nov 26

I want to start a “Jonathan from the Amazing Race 6 is a prick” non-fan club. Let me tell you something…

Howard and I scream at each other, yes we’ve been known to throw things, break things, etc. However, if I were Victoria (Jonny’s wife) I’d have bitchslapped the em-effer back to reality by now. If Howard screamed at me the way, Jonny screams at Victoria, I’d be giving it right back to him. Victoria is just as frustrating to me, because she puts up with it and then cries about it later. ARGH! Makes me crazy! I’d so be kicked off the show by now. And possibly for murder. I’d be so tempted to just smother him in his sleep. Not really. I’d put up with someone like him, oh for say about a second. Then he would be holding divorce papers. I’d probably sue him for alimony just to piss him off.

What really makes me sad is that they have no physical connection, at least on the show. You don’t see the affection from them, even at the end when they’ve finished and made it to the next round of the race, they give each other high fives and jump away from each other. Even though the other couples bicker (bicker by definition and not degrading your spouse and being downright cruel to each other), in the end, they always embrace and celebrate the moment as a couple. Maybe Victoria is holding out for the money. Let’s hope so. Though you couldn’t pay me enough money to put up with that bullsh*t.

I mean, okay, I’ve had my share of psychotic episodes and Howard and I have said pretty mean things to each other, BUT we always regret it and express remorse and are always able to connect as husband and wife…I’m sorry, but I just don’t see it coming from Jonny. And don’t you dare blame it on editing. You are what you are and I don’t think any amount of editing can take that much away from your true self.

I think men and women that need to scream and degrade other people, especially their lifemate, have serious issues with themselves. It’s pretty sick to have to put other people down in order to make yourself feel good. But it is not uncommon.

Jonny boy, I’ve got two words for you:
Intense Psychotherapy

Nov 25

The Ugg decision has been made after much thoughtful input. Turns out, the Uggs are a fashion faux pas in themselves and therefore I can wear them any friggin’ way I want to. Which is good because those references to Paris Hilton? were downright scary. Especially coming from friends of mine. And the way I want to wear them is under my jeans. So plant a big one on my (very very white) ass, fashion po-leece.

And Zach’s Quesadillas? Oh what can I say…where do I begin? Heavenly? Out of this world? Holy shit, I had to hold back eating an entire plateful. I did, however, take a plate home to eat later. Later being…maybe in just a few minutes. AND he made the shrimp ones because they are my favorite. PLUS, he summoned me to the kitchen so he could try my Buttered popcorn and Chocolate covered raisin concoction. Which by the way, he LOVED. Sound sinfully good? Well, they are, and messy too. Obviously this is not something to be eaten every night.

Zach said it all, “What beats my quesadillas, your raisinettes and popcorn and The Amazing Race?” Although I wanted to add “Oh I don’t know…a good bottle of wine? Any alcoholic beverage?”, I wholeheartedly agreed with him. And here I was being ungrateful and all.

Nov 25

The insomnia is back. In fact, I’m now waking up in full panic mode. Anxious about things I can’t even sort out. Everything mundane, some things not so mundane. It is, nonetheless, aggravating to say the least.

Here I sit at 2:03am Alaska Standard Time and I’m wide effing awake. But completely bleary-eyed with exhaustion. I just don’t get it.

This sort of thing was “totally awesome” when I was in high school and had a couple of girlfriends to stay up with. Or had a boyfriend I could stay on the phone all night with. (Yes I was one of those type of girls.) Do you know I used to date a guy that I would skip school with just so he and I could talk on the phone all day? (Um sorry mom, guess that secret’s out) He lived approximately 30 miles away, we were very young and therefore couldn’t exactly see each other whenever we wanted. (Okay so it was mostly due to my strict family rules too) But alas, he moved onto bigger and better things and I moved on to psychotic boyfriends 101. But I digress, once again.

Yes, the transition from “my twenties” to “my thirties” has changed me in drastic ways. Even when Howard and I got married, we were night owls. Cocktails every night followed by runs to the coffee shop. And sometimes with groups of people. 3:00am picnics in our tiny living room floor. Of course, we both had the luck of working mindless second shift jobs which allowed for such a lifestyle. Then came finishing college, getting real jobs and so on…

Now it’s eight hours of sleep or Chris is up typing incoherant rants on her mediocre weblog. No, she isn’t up having deep conversations with her husband over a steaming Hazelnut Cappucino, or over cheap wine. She isn’t up with Heather or Julie or Jen or Carla, putting her hair in sponge rollers and making crank calls, cutting up over secret sayings and goofy things only she and another person would understand, sweating her ass off while tearing up the dance floor, or laughing at her roommate’s Benny Hill impersonations.

No. She’s sitting here, writing about how sad and mundane her life has become. How old she is getting and most of all, how her insanity is rearing its head once again. And today is Thanksgiving. The ungrateful bitch should be shot. And is, in fact, taking applications.

Happy Thanksgiving and up yours Mr. Sandman.

Nov 23

This morning I had a mild psychotic episode (as oxymoronic as that sounds right?)

I got a call from the stores accountant telling me that my books were something like 5000 bucks short. Always being in a panic about money and its huge liability that falls solely on my shoulders, I went to pieces.

I ran a report from my computer and it stated we were only a couple of bucks off. Nonetheless, I was convinced I was fired and started to hyperventilate and started calculating in my head how much exactly we had in our savings account and how much Expedia would charge us to cancel the trip to Buenos Aires. Vented to Howard who thought I was nuts, but humored me by saying “F*ck ‘em baby, we’ll pack up anytime you want to go, but I think you’re making a big deal out of nothing.”
Said accountant got my report and blamed it on a computer glitch and it turns out, that’s exactly what it was…but nonetheless I was shaken.

This called for my elixir. My “crack”. A big honking 20 ounce of Diet Mountain Dew. It was amazing, I was halfway through it when an enormous calm washed over me and I felt better. The junkie got her fix. I downed the rest of it and went for another for good measure. After that, Howard and I managed to get all the Christmas merchandise priced and out on the sales floor and I think I barely missed his putting me on a plane and straight to the looney bin. God love him, that man puts up with so much shit from his insane wife. I totally faked him out and convinced him it was by my own ability that I could calm down and clear my head. I’m such a f*cking liar. And completely stupid for thinking for one second, he actually believed me.

Gotta go, we’re going to Zach’s for “The Amazing Race” and his world famous Quesadillas.

Watch David Letterman on Wednesday night. Jason and Darrell, (members of our family) are going to be in the audience and if I know Jason…and trust me, I do, he will somehow make his presence known.
Thanksgiving in New York. F*ckers.

The last Thanksgiving we spent in New York was in 2001. Right after 9/11 and ground zero was still burning and they were still extracting bodies. It was a very sad time but Howard and I did our part by spending all our money in lower Manhattan, which I might sadly add, was mostly deserted but nevertheless, every business we threw our money at was very grateful. AND we found a wonderful “hole in the wall” right off Wall Street called “The Wall Street grill”. We got cheeseburgers the size of my head (and believe me I’ve got a huge noggin) for like 5.00. That included drinks and fries. We were the only people in the place and we were treated like royalty….and it was only lunchtime! But I digress.

Anyway, the Dew. It truly is my “Lithium”.

Nov 20

We had another “chili and whatever you want to bring” kind of night again. All our friends came over and it was a hodge podge of Howard’s chili and cornbread, Melanya’s vegetarian eggrolls, Zach’s mini pizzas and shrimp and cocktail sauce, Jill’s brownies drizzled with marshmallow creme and M&M’s (could you die?) and Anne’s molasses cookies. Oh and Bria’s kettle cooked popcorn.

Let me tell you were “plum stuffed”. I have a case of heartburn to prove it. But the conversation was good and in between the witty banter, we watched an encore presentation of “The Amazing Race”. We managed to morph everyone who wasn’t a fan of the show…into a fan. We rock. During this witty banter, I was chatting with Bria and Zach and casually mentioned the new Harry Potter movie arrived at the store but we couldn’t officially put it on the shelf until November 26th. This instantly made me the most popular and beloved girl in the room. Zach literally dropped down on one knee, took my hand and offered me 20 dollars to hike up to the store and get it for him.

Yeah right. 20 bucks to risk life and limb on 2 inch sheet of ice? I don’t think so. So he upped the ante a bit more:

“I’ll give you 50 bucks if you go get Harry Potter.”

“Meh”

“Seriously, okay how about this? 70 bucks and I’ll make and deliver a whole batch of shrimp quesadillas to your door.” (Rumor has it, he makes the world’s best shrimp quesadilla, incidently of which I am a huge fan)

“Tempting…but no, I’m too full, not even sure I could make the walk if I wanted to.”

“Okay, I’ll give you a hundred bucks, and shrimp quesadillas once a month until the end of the school year.”

I almost caved…but stuck to my guns.

“No Zach, love you but no…however, I do love this groveling, maybe I could be persuaded a bit more?”

He didn’t fall for it. But it was funny. Then he felt like an ass for groveling so much. His fault! Oh and I’m still getting quesadillas at least on Tuesday night because he thinks I rock.

(Little does he know, I am going to surprise him with said movie on Tuesday night just for being a big enough man to still make the quesadillas)

And I’m getting a haircut tomorrow courtesy of Melanya. I am in dire need because I haven’t had so much as a trim since April. Yikes. Split ends upon split ends. Thank God for pony tails and braids.

I’ll post a pic if it looks decent because I know all my thousands of readers will be on the edge of their seats. Right?!

Nov 19

And so comes the motherly advice and frankly I like her idea:

“Chris I think the boots look good either way. Besides you have always had your own sense of fashion so wear them the way that you like them the best, and tell the rest of them if they don’t like it (put a sock in it) or go play in traffic.or should I say go fall through the ice..love mom”

See? I get it honest.

So yesterday, I decided to give the whole “tucked” idea a go and I hated it. I felt like it pulled my pants down and they were already “low rise waist” jeans in the first place. Plus, thick jeans tucked into these incredibly thick boots made my legs feel like I had giant rubber bands around my lower calves.

However.

I did get many compliments because they were actually visible.

“Chris, love your boots.”

“What cute boots.”

“I like your boots.”

“Who made your boots?” (most heavy winter boots worth their salt in this area are handmade)

So, the experiment worked well for my ego but horribly for my feet. I’m still up in the air about it all. Oh, the horror, I am such an ungrateful wench to be worrying about such mundane things but nonetheless….there I go.

Nov 17

After an enlightening conversation at the post office yesterday, I found apparantly, I’d been wearing my cute little Ugg boots all wrong.

Evidently, it’s all the rage to wear them outside your pants. You know, with your pants tucked in. In a panic, I raced home to find if indeed I’d committed a major fashion faux pas. I emailed my closest pals and attached a pic of both feet, one with pants tucked, one with pants over. Looks like it’s a toss-up. Here is some of the feedback:

From Jen:
“Paris Hilton wears her Uggs over her jeans…”
From Julie:
“definitely, under the jeans”
From Jason:
“I personally think you should wear them with capri pants. Then you don’t have to worry about tucking in your jeans or wearing them over the boots. Hell, you’re in Alaska, just wear them however you want to. I don’t think the fashion police are gonna fly up there to write you a ticket on wearing your jeans and uggs the wrong way. They probably couldn’t find you anyway. Hehe”
From Chris Cooke:
“wear jeans over boots……”
From Eddie:
“Girl, do you not know that tucking your pants in is very much in style. Did you not see Paris Hilton on Simple Life? All the young chicks are doing it now. Why shouldn’t you fit right in?”
From Tess who actually speaks from experience and shares this lovely state:
“Uggs are actually meant to be worn on the outside ofyour pants. Don’t ask me why. Blame Australia. You’re supposed to wear them barefoot, too. I boughtblack ones, and they stained my feet black for weeks. I always wear mine on the outside…….However, I think yours look dashing eitherway.”

Well I definitely have the whole “barefoot” thing down. These puppies are super warm and so thick, I don’t have to wear socks and don’t think I could with all that sheepskin.

And apparantly Miss Paris Hilton is doing something right.

Until more feedback is given, I’m sticking to the status quo. Thanks guys!

Nov 16

Is it time for my vacation yet?

One of our registers at work has been down for officially one month today. And it doesn’t look as if it’s getting any better.

Now, this means that we got through the PFD season and the beginning of the month with only two registers, one of them being our customer service lane, which of course, made for lots of exasperating sighs and long lines. What could we do? Which of course, a lot of people think we can just magically blink our eyes and make everything work again.

And I hate those dumb obvious questions.

“Register still down?”

What I want to say is “No it’s working, we just aren’t using it right now, we like long lines and getting yelled at. We do it to personally annoy you.”

And then getting it worked on has been an entire odyssey in itself.
First I get it “goldstreaked” into Anchorage, which means if it can get off this island on time, it will get there the same day, which costs 40 bucks. But I do it anyway, because I really need this register.

Two days go by without one phone call from company who does all of our work.

So I call and ask about it.

“Um did you send it through the mail?”

“No, I goldstreaked it, as per YOUR instructions.”

“Oh..well…it’s probably sitting over at the freight office and no one’s been by there yet, you should have mailed it express, then it would have been delivered here.”

“I was told to goldstreak the thing.”

“Well, you shouldn’t have.”

Huh? “Again, I was going on your company’s instructions.”

“Yeah well, you’re going to have to wait until we can get over there and pick it up, I’ll give you a call as soon as we know something.”

Two more days pass.

“Okay, we got your computer today (wasted money on goldstreak) and it looks like someone’s downloaded SpyWare onto your computer.”

“Impossible, we are only connected to an company Intranet, and have no access to anything else, but nonetheless, I need it fixed and sent back to me as soon as possible, just do what you need to do.”

Almost four days later

“Okay, looks like you’ve got a problem with your harddrive, so we’re going to “goldstreak” a new computer to you, in order to expedite things.”

Two days later.

“Hi, this is Chris from AC, I was wondering if my computer went out and is on its way to me?”

“Um, let me check…well it’s ready but we haven’t taken it over to the freight office yet.”

“Well this is going on two weeks now and I really need to get this register back up and running.”

“We’ll have it out of here today, I promise.”

FINALLY, I get the computer back in my hands and Howard hooks everything back up and what do you know:

No software is downloaded onto my system. This is something they were supposed to have done. I notice a CD is in the box and I assume this has all the software on it, but I have no idea how to configure it, run it, whatever. So I call up said company AGAIN:
…”Well we knew you needed it right away so we figured you could place a “help desk” call with your company and they could help you get it all installed.”

Pissed, I hang up and place my help desk call. These are the wonderful (for the most part) guys in Winnipeg who work for our parent company. They are wizards, godlike, at least to me. And finally someone is in my corner.

“WHAT?! They sent you a new computer but no software installed?”

“Yes sir, you are correct.”

“Chris, let me call you right back, I’m calling them right now.”

Long story short, I spent the better part of my Saturday running back and forth between the software installation and the phone because cordless phones don’t work on our phone system at the store. I have to hand it to James, he stayed with me all day, even though he was manning calls from not only the Alaska stores but the 100 or so Canadian stores. But he never failed to call me back and continue on with me. Probably because I’m actually nice and gracious with these guys. I initiate casual conversation and usually give them a chuckle with how inept I am with all the technology out there. But alas, the problem was even worse, not only did they NOT have my software installed, but they also left off configurations for all the hardware that attaches to it. AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

So James who was overly apologetic had to let me go because it was way past quitting time for him (Winnipeg is three hours ahead of us) and I had other things that needed to be done as well.

Finally today, I get another call from Reines, my other favorite “help desk guy”. For the better part of two hours, we walks me through the rest of the software installation and helps me configure all the hardware. While both of us are scarfing down lunch and chomping in each other’s ear, cracking up at having to talk with full mouths at times.

“mfffffmmmph?”

“mmmaamammaaffffph?”

And comparing which flavor of Pringles tastes the best. lol

And it’s still not fixed but I let Howard take over because I needed to go to the post office and pick up three days worth of mail and take a short break.

I’m still pissed too, because I know I’m going to get a nice fat bill from the computer company and they will somehow justify the time I had to spend on doing THEIR job.

Ah, the utter joy. Gotta get back to work. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Nov 14

I just found another favorite show….and it was during one of those moments of extreme sloth. You know, lying on the couch on a Sunday afternoon with the dog tucked against you, the blanket wrapped tight around you and you’re still wearing your pj’s. And I was channel surfing, halfway comatose, when I came across this show and laughed so hard, Howard had to get up and go to the bedroom to finish his nap.

One reason I love it is because I am so very guilty. Or I was when I could drive a car more than 10.5 miles. And not only do I do this in the car, but I do it everywhere and with friends!

Especially with friends.

Right Jason? (Dixie Chicks ain’t got ca-ca on us)
Right Julie? (those morning drives to school and the fact that I hypnotized a big jock in the next car coming back from Hickory…and who sadly enough, is now dead, and no, that was not my fault)
Right Danielle? (Bangles and Roxette rule! Well they did in 1988, anyway)

And even with Howard. Yes, we have been known to jam in the car, sing to each other in a most godawful tone-deaf sort of way. Acting goofy mainly for our own entertainment and then getting a kick out of the people in the car next to us, thinking we’ve escaped from the local psych ward. I married well. Either that or I’ve completely corrupted him.

Anyway. New Favorite. It ain’t Six Feet Under favorite, but it’ll do for now.

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