Nov 8

Nearly a year has passed after I came back here and SWORE that I’d be updating often or at least TRYING to and here we are again.

I think I’ve finally accepted the fact that Insane Ramblings is done.  I’ve had 7 years (2 of which really didn’t count with my absence) which is pretty darn good seeing as a lot of blogs only last a few months.  I’m satisfied.

Truth is, my life is nothing like it was a year ago and DEFINITELY not like it was when I first started this website.

Howard and I are no longer married and I am no longer living in Alaska.

I am also married to someone else.

Let that one sink in for a few minutes.

Truth is, my marriage was the big elephant in the room that I could no longer ignore.  The irony of it was I tried to convince myself that it was perfect.  Everything else in my life was the culprit to my unhappiness.

What I’ve learned is, when you lie to the world, you can convince yourself of anything.  And that’s exactly what I did.

I will not go into the details here except to say that my marriage morphed into something other than husband/wife years ago and I could no longer deny that fact.

Howard and I are good people who deserve happiness and neither of us was really getting that from the marriage.  We tried, oh how we tried but one day I just woke up and knew.   It’s all I can tell you.  When you know, you know.  It was painful and traumatic but I got through it stronger and wiser and determined not to make the same mistakes should I go down that road again.

Which I did.

Only three weeks ago.

Again, when you know, you know.

I am now a second time wife and a stepmother to two children.  I shuttle kids and cook meals and clean house and dote on my husband.  Things I once thought I was too sophisticated for.  And I’m HAPPY.
Funny, the things I thought I needed once were just “things” to fill a void.  I went from buying anything I wanted to living on a budget.  And I do it with a full heart.  Crazy.  Mainly, I no longer wake up everyday feeling like I’m crazy.  Deception is exhausting.

So my loves, the truth is, I’m just too full up on life to continue posting here.  I feel like this website represents a person I no longer am and I want to give it the respect it deserves by not trying to expound upon being something I’m not.  I will save the entries just like I’ve saved every other journal I’ve kept and maybe in a few years pull them out and have a good laugh.  Maybe even a good cry.

I will continue to write, no worries there.  It’s my passion and my love and perhaps you’ll see me re-appear in the blogosphere sometime in the future.

Thank you all for your loyalty, for your RSS subscriptions and mainly for keeping me sane on days when I didn’t think I could keep up the facade.  For crying with me, laughing at my stories, humoring me when I needed to be.

I’ll end my final posting with a quote from Forrest Carter in The Education of Little Tree….”It’s been good….next time, it’ll be better.” It will be and in fact, already is.  Goodnight my darlings.

Nov 27

*taps microphone*

Is this thing on?

*ear piercing interference and then…a pregnant pause*

So hey ya’ll, what’s up?  Been a while, I know.  Obviously.  How have you all been?  What have you all been up to?

Questions in a post, letter, email, etc are kind of useless aren’t they? (oops brainchild, THAT was question too)

How much longer can I avoid the awkward question that has been burning in all of your minds your mind?  Not a second more?  Okay, I give.

Wow.  Over a year has passed since I’ve posted on this website and I feel kind of awkward coming back.  But for some reason on this day, I was led back here.  The iron got hot and I felt the need to strike. 

It’s been quite a year, that’s for sure but there haven’t been any real Earth shattering events for me to report on and I think that’s probably a good thing.  That’s not to say there haven’t been changes though. 

I stand here today still married to Howard and still the arbitrator of 3 furry creatures.  Still childless, working the same job I had last year and I’m still as pleasantly neurotic as I’ve always been.  Does that disappoint you?  Well let me disappoint you again. 

I’m remain unpregnant.

There we go.  Ah, now that the ice is broken, let’s move on shall we? 

A few changes that did happen were probably the ones that involve severed relationships.  That’s right.  I’ve purged my life of relationships that no longer better my life.  Did it hurt and was it hard?  Absolutely.  Do I feel like a weight has been lifted?  A little bit.  Am I all the wiser and more cautious for it?  Damn straight. 

Just when you thought I couldn’t put up anymore walls, there I had to go and do it again.  Those of you REALLY know me know that when I truly shut a door on a relationship?  That it’s over.  I walk away and never look at it again.  I’ve come to the realization that being hurt and being hurtful is of my own doing.  If I choose to hurt someone it’s my fault and if I’m hurt by someone, it’s my fault too.  It’s a delicate balance and one I try to tread lightly.

Mainly though, this past year has opened my eyes.  Moving on.

I’ve also made two trips back to NC in the past year.  My memaw soldiers on in spite of all that she’s had to endure and she continues to inspire me. 

I made a trip to New Orleans and was greatly disappointed.  I was excited to see the city but found that doing it alone isn’t nearly as fun as being with someone you love.  I’m sure New Orleans is a fine and amazing town-but I’ve found that I don’t like solitude near as much as I used to.  Howard has promised me a trip back (I went for job related reasons) and I can’t wait to really experience it. 

He is, until then, tiding me over with a trip to Paris for New Years.

Yes I know.  He’s awesome.  And so knows what I need when I need it.

Oh!  I also completed my preceptorship and I am officially through CHAP training.  So glad that’s over.  Whew!

We’re also returning to NC for Christmas!  We haven’t spent a Christmas with our respective families in almost 8 years.  I can’t tell you how excited I am.  I’m not even stressing on the whole family thing.  I’m going with an open heart and an open mind-cautious armor nonwithstanding of course.  I’m looking forward to seeing the mountains, Buffalo Cove, and being around people who talk like me.  That never ceases to please me.

I have another confession and reason why I haven’t been here.

Facebook.

Yep, THE social network that has dominated every aspect of the internet for the past year.  I’ve gotten in touch with people and friends I haven’t seen or talked to in YEARS.  I’ve even mended friendships that were never really broken but were kind of on hiatus while we grew up, got married, made babies, and built lives. 

I also got crazily addicted to Farmville for a while until I came to my senses and deleted the application altogether.  Sometimes I still wake up and think “I need to check my crops!” before wiping the sweat from my brow and realizing it was just a nightmare.

Here’s the thing with Facebook though.  While I’ve enjoyed the voyeuristic thrill of seeing what all my friends are up to, perusing their pictures and stalking their profiles, I’m kind of freaked out by the lack of privacy.  I mean….standing back and looking from a distance, it’s kind of disenchanting to see that nearly nothing is sacred or private anymore.  We post status updates on EVERYTHING!  “making dinner”, “going shopping”, “overslept and heading to work.”  I thought Twitter was bad.  Twitter has nothing on Facebook.

The biggest consequence that I’ve found is creativity has been suppressed and drained.  There is no mystery on which to expound or wax poetically and I hate that. 

I’ve also see friendships end and feuds begin simply by the “oversharing.”  Proverbial dirty laundry is aired by vulnerable people reaching out and seeking either attention and/or sympathy.  Things said are taken out of context and relationships have been ruined. 

That realization dawned on me today when my friend swore to me they weren’t on FB today while I’d sent them two messages they hadn’t replied to.  I’d seen them on well after I hit the “send” button happily “liking” people’s statuses and commenting on them as well.  And it infuriated me and I told this friend so.

Immediately regretting it.  Afterward I paused and thought:  “You’re getting upset because of a stupid social network on the internet…..think about how irrational this is.”  If I didn’t have Facebook, I wouldn’t know that.  I’d have assumed the person was simply busy or hadn’t checked their email yet.  You know.  Like in the old days.  Most importantly, I would have never known otherwise and really wouldn’t have cared.

And I think that may be one of the reasons I came back to my own personal part of the world.  Here.

Just when I thought a blog was as public as you could get, Facebook came along.

Don’t get me wrong, I do love the app and will continue to use it but I’m going to try to use this more.  I’m going to focus on doing what I love which is writing and expressing myself.  Instead of expecting to be entertained by what others say.

Unless of course you’re a published author and if you are, let’s get reacquainted.  I do so love the written word.  These days, I’m into as much fiction as I can get.

So that’s it, you guys.  That’s the story, that’s where I’ve been.  Let’s the rejuvenation of my creative juices commence. 

Oct 18

-Hi everyone!  I know I’ve been slack.  I should never promise to post more because inevitably, it causes the opposite effect.  I end up posting less.

-I finished my last CHAP session.  I’m officially through every single session required which means no more extended weeks of travel, which; though I’ve enjoyed it, I’m relieved to have it all behind me and be home more.

-We have a new family member.  It’s a long sad story but the little chihuahua that we babysat last year has now become a permanent resident.  She’s a brat and a diva but apparantly the cat and dog love her so what are you going to do?  I’m also beginning to think that agreeing to babysit any animal in the town is bad luck to us.  Thank God we’re selective or else we’d have a damn farm.

-I had a fabulous birthday.  Howard took me to see The Lion King in Anchorage and it was amazing.  Dusty and Holly’s family joined us and it was wonderful to share such an incredible experience with people that I dearly love.

-I’m also still singing all the songs.  Are you shocked?  I didn’t think so.

-We are having a weird winter here in the village.  As of today, we still have no snow.  The temps have been dropping into the teens but there’s been no sign of the white stuff.  I’ve lived in Alaska for nearly 7 years (WOW) and this is the first time we’ve yet to have snow by now.  I guess Global Warming has finally made its way to North Country.

-I talked to my memaw yesterday and I love that she can say one thing that makes me belly laugh.  I love that I get my sense of humor from her.  I dearly miss her and cannot wait to see her.

-Oh yeah, we’re going on vacation in a few weeks and there’s a mix of relief but trepidation what with the family drama that’s been going on.  Howard and I are determined to make this a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday though and we’re excited to finally have a real vacation after nearly a year and a half.

-I’ve got to find some way to breathe new life into this blog again.  Somedays I feel like giving up on it and other days I can’t bear to see it disappear.  I have to find a happy medium.  Writing is my best form of therapy and I need to keep honing my skills.

Last but not least, thanks for hanging in there with me.  I pray that I’ll find humor in my life again and that I’ll recognize the moments that are worth sharing with you.  Thanks for your loyalty.

Sep 22

This afternoon, I had to demonstrate a Screening Physical Exam as part of my clinical.  My preceptor and I walked up to the main ward of the hospital and inquired at the nursing station as to what patient might be up for it.

After the nurse contemplated the board with a list of room numbers and names, she made her recommendation.

“Oh this person is probably a good one….he won’t even know you’re doing anything.” she offered with a chuckle.

Though I did agree that it would be an ideal patient to “practice on”, her comment just didn’t sit right with me.  I was about to open my mouth and tell her so when my preceptor chimed in.

“Well, could you please ask him or let him know that we would like to do an exam on him?”

I was immediately grateful to John for asking, grateful that our minds were on the same page.

“Really…he won’t care.” the nurse offered.

“Please do him the courtesy of asking or notifying first.” John retorted

The nurse stammered over her embarassment before leading us to the patient’s room.  As John and I briefed on what we would be going over with the patient, we overheard the nurse asking the patient what we’d asked.  She looked as if her actions seemed a bit silly but it didn’t matter to us.  It was common courtesy.

One of the first things I’d learned in medicine is that hearing is one of the last senses to leave before you die, therefore; ALWAYS be courteous, ALWAYS talk to the patient as if they are listening.  I learned this lesson last summer while on that very same ward.

He was a stroke patient.  He couldn’t speak, he couldn’t respond by squeezing my hands, all of his sensory and motor skills appeared to be gone….until I told him to wiggle his toes and he moved his entire right foot.  Upon asking him to do it again for me, he met my request again.  It was a valuable lesson and I was thankful that I’d paid attention in lecture class.

He was in there….and he could hear me.  He wanted to let me know that he knew.  It was the first of many defining moments.

And so today, our patient was much the same…except his eyes were open.  He lay there completely unmoving and unresponsive.  Even to simple commands to wiggle his toes. 

“Can you squeeze my hands?”

“Can you wiggle your toes?”

“Let me know if this bothers you okay?”

I talked him through the entire exam as if he were able to converse with me.  The fact that he couldn’t communicate through voice or any other sensory skill did not matter.

But.

His eyes followed my every movement.  I would ask him a question and look up at him.  I asked him to blink for me but he could barely do that.  All he could do successfully was watch my every move.  I can’t describe how but just by holding his gaze, I knew when something I did bothered him…when he could feel what I was doing…when he wanted to acknowledge something I told him.

I was deeply moved and overcome with helplessness at the same time.

Reading through his last chart note…the words stared up at me..

“DNR….make comfortable….end of life care….pneumonia…..”

I knew in a few days, he would be gone but I so desperately wanted to change it for him.  I wanted to yell “WAIT!  HE’S HERE!  LET ME FIX HIM SOMEHOW!”

Even knowing full well, I couldn’t.  Knowing that really, his quality of life alone warrants a peaceful departure and it was ultimately his wish.

His eyes, in a way, were telling me..”look kiddo….thank you…but you really can’t help me.”

But his eyes were also courteous and grateful.

As I wrapped up my exam and leaned into his face to thank him and tell him goodbye, he was able to barely lift his head off the pillow while we locked eyes once again.  I brushed his cheek with my hand and nodded my head, sillently telling him..

“I get it, my friend…I get it…thank you for giving me this incredible gift.”

As I wrote up my report later, I fought back tears of joy and heartbreak at the same time.  I thanked God that he gave me the gift of compassion.  That he gave me the drive and motivation to get into medicine this late in life.

Because there is nothing more precious than a person allowing you into their soul.

Sep 16
Up

I’m feeling better, so YAY!  There’s that.

Sometimes I feel like if I’m not progressing in my life….then I’m failing.  I have no idea what I’m failing but that’s what it feels like.

I arrived in Sitka over a week ago for my final Session of training.  It was especially hard to part with Howard this trip.  I miss him.  I miss my animals.  My sleeping has been for shit, naturally.

But.

A big part of me is feeling better since arriving here.  Maybe this was the change I needed.  Knowing that my mind is working toward something once again was what my brain needed to reset itself.

Of course, the Vitamin D and overall healthy living can’t hurt.

Once again, I love my housemates.  I have been so blessed since the beginning.  Sitka has gotten into my soul and while I’m overjoyed at being here, it will be bittersweet to be finished with this portion of my education and knowing that I will not be returning to this gorgeous city.

Nonetheless, I am enjoying every moment, every minute.  I’m drinking things in and burning them into my memory.  It feels damn good.

So, onward and upward….the classes are going well and I’m probably the least neurotic this go round.  Probably because..hey, I’ve made it to the home stretch.  I’m almost done. Fin.

So, thank you guys who emailed, called, and commented.  You continue to amaze me just by showing up everyday and standing by me.  Now, if you could just pray that I pass this session…. (what?  I said “least neurotic”, I didn’t say “not neurotic at all!”)

Sep 1

I need a change ya’ll.  Something is missing.  I’m uninspired, unimpressed, and unmotivated.  I’m full up and spilling over with pent up emotions that run the gamut of anger, sadness, happiness, and Lord knows what else.

I’m weird.  I know.  If you want to stop reading then do so.

I’ve upped my daily intake of Vitamin D, lowered the hormones that made me crazy, and yet I’m still….on the edge of a giant precipice.  Of what?  I have no idea.

I’m unhappy yet happy.  I’m restless yet content.  I’m understood but largely still misunderstood.  People shake their heads in frustration and throw up their hands.  Sometimes I feel like I’m following my head more than my heart.  I sometimes feel like I’m doing what’s right rather than what I’m passionate about.

Sometimes I find myself unapologetically without efforts at anything except that which keeps my head above water.

And there’s a million explanations as to why I feel this way.

Maybe my gypsy soul is restless and I need a change. 

Maybe something else in my life is making me unhappy and I refuse to see it.

Thank God, my marriage is good.  So, there is that.  It is one constant in my life I can be absolutely sure about.

But people I once loved don’t appear the same to me anymore.

Then again, I’m hard to please.  I disappoint and am disappointed easily.  Maybe I set the bar too high.  They too, have their battles.

I’m trying to figure it out and until then….who knows?

Aug 16

Hey guys,  I’m alive!

I’m just checking in to let everyone know that I’m working on some big changes for this little website.  It’s been needing a major overhaul for a while now, design wise and content wise.

Let’s fact it, my posts have had a real somber and sometimes mind numblingly boring tone for some time now.  Granted, I write what I feel but I think I need to put more creative effort into it.  So, I’m working on it.

Stay tuned.

Jul 27

I came home tonight, signed in to my Facebook, and was brought to my knees.

My friend Laura lost her little boy today.  He was due July 31st.  He died in utero and at this very moment, Laura is going through labor to deliver him.

I know Laura because of her sister Melissa.  When she and I became friends, much like our other close friends, her family welcomed me and Howard into their fold.  Melissa’s mom and sister became like our mom and our sister.  And no amount of miles or years has changed that.  When Melissa gives me updates on Sue and Laura, my heart warms with affection because it is like getting an update on my own family.

So hearing this news today has broken my heart.  Howard and I are trying hard to wrap our minds around why this happens to such wonderful people.  I cried while making dinner.  Laura and her husband didn’t deserve this.  Their beautiful son didn’t deserve this.  Melissa deserved to be an aunt for the first time.  Sue deserved to be a “grammy” for the first time.

It’s no news that I too lost my baby very early.

And though I know the loss is just as significant, I cannot imagine carrying a perfectly healthy baby to term and then just before meeting him or her, losing them instead.

How the hell people make it out of this kind of tragedy amazes me. 

I know Laura and her entire family will get through this but I also know that they will be forever changed.  The sun won’t shine quite as bright.  Things that brought easy smiles won’t be so simple anymore.  Everything will be shadowed by this heartshattering tragedy.

 

We prepare ourselves for death and the natural progression is to hopefully pass on when we’ve lived a good portion of our lives…leaving behind a legacy of children and grandchildren, good friends and family.  It’s still devastating to lose people we love but at least we have memories to carry us through.  We take comfort knowing they at least got a chance at life.

Where are Laura and Vladi’s answers for their Luke?  Where are Melissa’s answers for her nephew?…Sue’s answers for her grandson?..

All I can do is offer comfort for them and prayers because I know that nothing I say will ease the pain of this tremendous loss….and hope and pray that there’s a method to God’s madness.

 

Jul 24

Happy Birthday Jennifer Ellen!

I hope this day is just fabulous honey girl.  (I sooo love that all of my best girls turn 35 before me!)  We have shared so many good times.  One of these days we’ll get to resume our mischief wholesome fun in the same time zone!

MWAH!

 

Jul 18

funny pictures of cats with captions
see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Heh.  Last night I almost posted about the week Howard had in Anchorage but I wrote while I was punch drunk and when I went back to proof read it…it said the same things over and over again and really just made no sense.  So I chucked it and I’ll wait until I feel a bit more articulate.

Suffice it to say; while I have defining moments all the time, they are rare for Howard but this past week has changed him.

And it was just a conference he had to attend for his job.

I’m not saying Howard’s not open to life changing experiences because you all know he is…but to walk away from something that could potentially change how you view the world and react to things…well, that’s kind of huge.

I’m in awe of him.  My warrior.

More later.  Enjoy your Saturday!

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